What Would Dana Do?

2009-02-20T09:18:00.002Z

*sigh* all this self editing is getting me down.. that'll teach me for giving out the link to this blog to people in my real life..

I keep thinking about things I want to blog or work through and then I remember who might be reading etc. etc. and trust me, you are missing out on some hilarious stuff.. really really funny..

I've been thinking recently about deleting.. but I'm now thinking about password protecting..

Which doesn't mean I'm going to be selective about who I give it to.. Frankly anyone can have it as long as they don't know me in real life..

Decisions, decisions.. input welcome btw..

2009-02-11T11:54:00.001Z

I've been to the dentist.

It took a long time and I can tell you that words no one wants to hear when they are in the dentist chair include "ooo, I can't seem to stop the bleeding".

I am now drinking tea through a straw.

2009-02-10T10:21:00.005Z

I don't think one of our neighbours likes us.

She always seems to look at the puplet and the doglet in horror but then again she always seems to see them when they have just been for a walk and are filthy.

She often gives me dirty looks and gets very snooty about my car being parked outside my actual own house as it lowers the value of her mercedes or house or the whole borough or something.

I am also fairly certain she was the one who complained about our gnomes to the neighbourhood conservation area committee.

Anyway, last night I was standing outside my house having a cigarette and as it was cold I had a hot water bottle up my jumper.

Unfortunately this, in the dark, from the side gave the impression of me being a bit pregnant. Something I only realised as she, our snooty neighbour, walked past shaking her head and tutting.

Unfortunately I realised far too late to correct her erronious impression of me as a completely unfit mother to be.

Oh well, that's me on the agenda for the next meeting then.

2009-02-05T10:00:00.001Z

I’ve been having a crisis of confidence lately.

I don’t seem to be able to be funny any more. Obviously I’m referring to this blog as opposed to my real life where I am still the most amusing person I know and have my colleagues/family/friends guffawing with unbridled amusement on a regular basis.

I mean, its not that I’m unfunny as such, just that some days I feel completely uninspired and I know its not like I have that many readers and its not like this blog is changing the world or anything and actually its probably not that important in the great scheme of things etc. Etc..

Oh right, I feel much better now.

Anyway, one thing about blogging is that its a bit one sided if you know what I mean. Even if you get loads of comments and lets face it, most of us can’t actually be bothered to comment most of the time, then its still not as interactive as a message board and I do miss that ability to spark off each other and have long witty threads full of witty one liners and outrageous comments.. the problem is the main board I used to go to isn’t there any more and the sub board no one really visits and to be honest there was just one or two more nutters than I liked dealing with and the people I liked have all gone on to other things..

Plus I did have a tendency to let the place rule my life but I figure I am older now and wiser and would probably be able to separate out the reality from the cyber-reality a bit more. But there’s not really any decent boards out there that I can find, particularly as I am not interested in finding love/sex/an escape from my terrible life etc.. I just miss having the odd online laugh/debate/conversation with people..

And yes, I know there is Gingerbeer but it just seems a bit cliquey and sex obsessed...

Anyway, good message board suggestions welcomed..

In other news, I didn’t make it into work on Monday, instead I *air quotes* worked from home which involved taking the dogs to the park, taking the dogs around the block and playing snowballs with them in the garden. Not actually throwing them at the dogs btw, but throwing them for the dogs until they got bored of trying to catch them.. To summarise, I had loads of fun with the dogs in the snow.. and it was nice as everyone seemed to be in a very good mood, parents and kids everywhere in the park, other dogs etc.. was a very nice atmosphere..

In yet more other news I have got myself a mentor at work. I had entered this process under the illusion that having a mentor meant someone important who would put in a good word for me with other important people leading to a meteoric rise up the career ladder, or someone to have in my armoury when people start playing the ‘my boss is bigger than your boss’ game. Instead I have someone (admittedly very senior) who asks me all sorts of complicated and difficult questions like “what is your career path?” or “how does your current job fit into your early career aspirations?”

Career Path? Future Goals? 5-year Plan? Etc. Etc. These are very new concepts for me and as for my current job fitting into my early career aspirations.. I wanted to be a tennis journalist. Or a pop star.

She did ask me if I had any problems I wanted to discuss and I got a couple of things off my chest. She then pointed out she’d meant work problems and I felt very silly.

2009-02-04T15:17:00.001Z

Is it just me or does it feel like the 80s all over again, but without the great clothes.

I mean, we have city boys all over the news, boom and bust, house price chaos, everyone hates the government and is complaining about the weather. Oh and men have started to have really stupid hair again.

Perhaps I should be dusting off my mac and trilby.

2009-01-30T10:54:00.002Z

Bring on the trumpets!

Trumpets!

Is it just me or is there anyone else who thinks this is brilliant?

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=zXU9Ur9QznE

2009-01-29T11:00:00.004Z

Its been a challenging week so far... mainly for two reasons..

Firstly and most importantly bro no 1 had a mini stroke at the weekend... a TIA, which due to my late fathers propensity for them also means that at least I know that it in itself isn't anything to panic about yet.. a warning sign as it were.. except that he's dead healthy and he's my big bro.. and... and.. anyway, I am mostly keeping a good perspective on it all although his docs are suggesting its probably genetic and given that bro no 2 has had blood pressure problems in the past means the following:

Firstly I should probably get myself checked out and secondly, with all this family health trauma over the past few weeks, I am officially the healthiest member of my family.

Cigarette loving, cake adoring, exercise avoiding little old me..

Anyway, the second and much less important reason my week has been challenging is that my lips have decided that they don't like my new healthiest-person-I-know status and I am currently suffering with one of the worst outbreaks of coldsores I think I have ever had. They have been popping up at a rate of 1 a day and I now have 6 in assorted stages of healing.

And I have no idea where they have come from.. I've been suffering with them long enough to make sure I dont touch them other than to put something on them, I wash my hands every time I do, after every cigarette in case I've accidentally touched them and I use a different clean towel for my face, a different mug etc. etc.

And yet this week they've been appearing up all over the shop, top lip, bottom lip, corner of lips etc etc.. I half expected to see a couple pop up on my nose.

Anyway, between the Zovirax and the Compeed coldsore patches I have spent £15 this week and am only now on the road to recovery. According to OMG and a couple of colleagues they aren't really that noticable and if I hadn't been wincing every time I had anything to eat or drinking my tea through a straw no one would have noticed..

My mother called me earlier this week to tell me it would be another week before she went home and it could take up to a year before she was back to proper health. I was very supportive and said all the right daughterly things although there was a little voice inside of me saying this was the baby jesus' way of punishing her for kissing me while infected with a soldsore when I was a little herpes-free toddler.

But I didn't.

You, but on a good day..

2009-01-26T11:28:00.002Z

I had quite a good weekend. And I include seeing my mother in that which should tell you just how good it was.

Actually we’re kind of getting on ok at the moment so I can’t really complain about her in the same way I used to. At the moment.

Anyway, I took the puplet and the doglet to the nursing home to see her on Saturday. She adores them, plus I figured there was no way they could behave themselves for over an hour so it would give me an excuse to get off early (not that I don’t like seeing my mother per se, but its all the other people there that ever so slightly drive me nuts when I get there). I had underestimated the dogs willpower when it came to the constant attention and stroking from an assortment of elderly women. They were both as good as gold and looked extremely angelic. Especially the puplet who took to looking intensely at whoever was stroking her. “ah look, she likes me” one exclaimed.. “no, she is trying to work out how to get at your biscuits” I pointed out. No one believed me though. Although my mother did say "like mum, like daughter" and I'm still wondering what she meant by that.

We eventually got thrown out just before lunchtime and with some good traffic made it back home by 2pm. Which was nice as it still meant I had the rest of the day to do some shopping and chores. Yesterday was a general slobbing about and chilling day which was also nice and I do feel quite relaxed and alert at the start of my working week which is really good and actually quite unusual.

And might have something to with the fact that as part of my new health kick (I have cut out chocolate and fast food), I bought some Berocca this weekend. Someone has recommended it to me and to be frank I am one of those people who is susceptible to advertising anyway. Its why I try to only watch the BBC or if I am watching ITV go out for a cigarette in the ad –breaks..

Anyway, I popped the little orange tablet in a glass of water and became strangely hypnotised by its fizzing. I drank it, all the time buying into that whole “you, but on a good day” thing. And to be honest it did make me feel really good. Not tired, not weary and actually a bit bouncy. I went shopping in town in the afternoon and was quite prepared to take on some synchronised dancing on a treadmill with strangers.

I do think in the interests of honesty they should change their advertising slogan though.

“You, but with neon wee”

2009-01-22T13:41:00.001Z

My new job is still going well so far. I seem to be very busy and not seeing much of my boss (who is in another building) but we do communicate by email and she doesn’t seem to mind me just getting on with things. I think it just makes such a change from ex-wanker-micro-manger that I am having some trouble adjusting and keep wondering if I should be letting her know everything I am doing. Ah well, I guess if she isn’t happy with what I am doing she will tell me...

Oh, and I also have got myself a mentor. I am very excited about this!!! Its someone who I have already had some dealings with and who I respect a lot. I have no idea what format this mentoring will take but I think at this point in my career it’s going to be a really good step for me. At this rate I might even have found an actual career as opposed to a sequence of jobs as I do seem to be looking forward and seeing a bigger picture.

At this rate I will be a grown up before I know it.

I went out for dinner with my big bro the other night. We realised that in the past 12 months although we’ve spoken or emailed several times a week its without exception been about work so it was time we did something social with each other.

We had a fab time!

Mainly sharing toe curlingly embarrassing anecdotes about our younger years and his, which I obviously can’t repeat here, was a corker.. it made me feel so much better about the time I, in a desperate attempt to impress, tried to show my feminist reading group just how much a spotty 17 year old student could contribute to all these older, fabulous women by reading some modern feminist poetry. Unfortunately the poem I chose by some cruel cosmic calculation just so happened to be written by the mistress of the husband of one of the women there. About him. And everyone knew, including her.

Obviously now I am a grown-up I know that when someone is making that ‘cut-throat’ gesture while I am talking it means ‘for your own good, cease making sound’. Or ‘idiot, shut the fuck up’.

Anyway, all was well in the end and I was eventually forgiven and it’s not like it was the very most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me as frankly I am spoilt for choice on that front.

I actually trod on a student today. It was an accident though.

2009-01-20T10:14:00.002Z

There are some things I miss about being a student... sitting about all day playing card games like ‘wardrobe’ and ‘bastard’... Julie J from my Sociology lectures.. Listening to Amazulu and Paulette Tajah at full volume on a very ropey turntable.. (actually, one of my favourite memories from college was wandering past the doors of the main hall one morning and looking through to see 150 students all nodding their head in time to the latest very loud lovers rock song being played from the common room next door.. )

Anyway, there are things I don’t miss: pretending to enjoy snakebite, the trauma of being a teenager, and the inability to stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time. And if you don’t know what I mean by that, next time you are anywhere near a university or anywhere students gather (free festivals, happy hour at the local etc etc) there will be hundreds of them, all sitting down. For some reason its impossible for a student to see a staircase without wanting to sit on it. Which normally I would have no problem with, I probably wouldn’t even notice except there are stairs up to my office. And there are students in the building. Do you see where I am going with this?

It’s getting so that I have to factor an extra few minutes to get from the front door to my office due to all the trying not to step on anyone. It’s beginning to grate.

Other than that the new job is still as lovely as it was last week and all is going well.

In other news I am likely to have my mothers car until at least Easter which is actually also lovely. I am getting used to driving a new car and I have no idea how I am going to go back to the Fiesta after this. I quite like the fact that I have complete confidence in my brakes for the first time possibly in my life and that taking my AA card with me when I go to the shops isn’t quite such a necessity any more.

I shall miss it when it goes.. I think I am getting quite attached.. talking of which my little work-crush came and sat next to me in a meeting yesterday. I giggled.. and was immediately horrified with myself.. I really must do something about that.. or rather get over it, I don’t mean ‘do’ something, I mean do something.. if you know what I mean.

GMC was over at this campus 3 times last week so its almost as if we’re still working together although I keep hugging him every time I see him as I am really missing him. He told me that was very sweet but to please stop it as this campus was far more gay and I was ruining his chances and making him look straight.

In other news we had the launch of our gay equalities group last week and we now have a range of pink, rainbow and baby blue lanyards. The pink ones seem to be uncommonly popular with the straight female members of staff who don’t seem to understand what its for or care.

I don’t mind, its making senior people think that there have been a whole load of lesbians in the closet until the launch of the group so that’s good for us...

2009-01-12T17:02:00.002Z

I love my new job.. but then again I loved the last one when I first started and I loved the one before that.. I figure I am going to give it six months and if I still like it then I can say that I am happy here.

Although my commute is cut in half, I am much more central and already have a little tiny work crush on one of my colleagues. Nothing too serious, nothing I certainly would act on/follow up etc but its nice to have someone lovely to look at in meetings.

Because its with the same organisation I have hit the ground running and appear to know far more than I thought I did which appears to be impressing those around me. I shall hold on to those moments as I haven’t had very many of them since working here.

Well, I survived Christmas. Which was a touch and go thing there for a while as all sorts of things happened in the run up. I finished my job (although not my filing), my mothers burglar alarm went off so I had to have a mad dash up the motorway to sort that out before I could get away and then I had to try and pack presents, luggage, two dogs and OMG in a tiny little Matiz and get out of London, all by 3pm the day before Christmas Eve.

I did it in the end. Just about. And ended up having a nice relaxed Christmas with OMG and the pups with her family in Bristol. I got invited as things seem to be a bit frosty with ex wife at the mo and my plans for Christmas were basically to sit about at home and chill in front of the tv but that whole dairylea/pants/buffy insular thing that I do when I am on my own meant that OMG insisted I went with her and besides we didn’t want to split up the dogs and I didn’t want to be away from either the puplet or the doglet and.. and.. and.. oh just work it out for yourselves..

Anyway, I had a really nice time although its always a bit strange staying in someone else’s house I must say that OMG’s family made me feel very welcome and I ended up spending nearly a week watching tv, chilling out, and shopping. Yep, there was lots of shopping. Not much actual buying of things but lots and lots of going out to the town centre and having coffee’s etc etc. I feel I have rediscovered my love of shopping, mainly because there weren’t a huge amount of people out and so my mild claustrophobia didn’t have a chance to take hold and so there was no panic, no trying to move away from people invading my personal space.. just nice, chilled out days. Although I must say I do feel a bit guilty as my enjoyment of shopping appears to be indexed by the credit crunch.. Ah well..

Can’t remember all the other news.. *thinks* yep, my trousers fell down but only me and about two other people noticed but regardless, that’ll teach me to go low rise... OMG had a big op on her eye involving stitches and all manner of yuk-i-ness (she’s a diabetic and had a bleed in her eye a few months ago that wouldn’t clear so the docs decided to remove it.. the blood IN her eye... I’ll not go into any more detail..). Anyway, she’s pleased that she can see a bit better now although most things are a bit blurry for the time being and her recovery will take a few weeks.... she can, though, see a Cadbury’s Creme Egg at 20 metres. In my pocket, hidden out of sight... *shrug* she said they’d given her x ray vision so trying to sneak chocolate past her when we are both trying to be more healthy this year was destined to fail and I might as well just split it with her. I think she just knows me quite well.

Oh and I was trying to explain to a friend today how to use the Guardian Soulmates site which did involve actually going on to it (don’t look at me like that.. It wasn’t for myself.. no, really.. it wasn’t, I’m not even registered on there.. oh I give up..) and out of the 50 odd women looking for women on there, seven I know. Which is interesting as I never knew some of them had such varied and erudite interests (or at least the 5 profiles I was able to look at being unregistered and all).

Anyway, it was a strange feeling, like walking into a club and seeing lots of people you used to know but don’t any more. By the end of it I was feeling pretty good about how well I've aged though.. Is that bad? Ah well..

What else *drums fingers*.. oh yes, I tried to give up my seat for a pregnant woman on the tube this morning and instead offended a slim woman in a really big coat.

2009-01-09T14:49:00.000Z

Tune in next week for a full, varied and rich update on my Christmas and New Year. Highlights will include: Christmas in Bristol with OMG’s family, New Year at home with the pups, my mother and her assorted drama’s (which will include all manner of family brother-his wife-his ex wife shenanigans.. not like that though) and an update on my new job.

I may also discuss what it’s like to have your trousers fall down in Bristol’s Main Shopping Centre, how I’ve managed to spend £60 in iTunes already and OMG’s recovery from her eye operation.

One thing that is puzzling me though.. how come when I’ve got over 19gb of music and 16gb of video on my iPod, I can’t actually find anything that I really want to listen to or really want to watch and spend most of my time scrolling through the menu’s to get inspiration...

2008-12-22T15:17:00.002Z

As you know, I did a lot of bar work when I was younger and had full use of my knees... In the days before the thought of a big staircase filled me full of fear and dread...

One of the places I worked had a large private function bar that was hired by assorted groups and people most Fridays. I had some varied and interesting experiences in there, trying to stop all the spotty little teenagers fornicating under the tables on EMO night, trying to stop all the women from fighting on Lesbian Volleyball Championships night, tring to evade answering the question "are you a Protestant then?" on the Garvaghy Road Residents Association night and trying to stop my ears from bleeding on Industrial night.

Industrial night was interesting as every 15 minutes the clientelle had to go outside to give their ears a break swiftly followed by me.. I can't even really explain the music other than to say that to me it just sounded like a very loud wall of feedback and noise. The clientelle seemed to be able to interpret this into assorted songs and I even saw some people's lips moving almost as if they were singing.

Almost every person there had a very large array of facial piercings, assorted obivous tattoos and were wearing clothing with the word 'Satan' on it at least once.. Satan's Child... Satan's Wife... Satan's Neighbour... etc. etc

And I can tell you now that they were the sweetest, kindest, nicest group of people I ever served to. All of them asking nicely for orange juices or mineral water and apologising about the music..

I was reminded of this on the tube this morning.. that you can never tell from appearances etc as I was standing next to a women who was all suited and booted and listening to something very similar to the noise I heard that night. I was amused at the dichotomy anyway!

I blame her iPod headphones.. those rubbish tinny white things that seem to be everywhere. I have spent the last few years promising myself I would never become Apple's bitch. Apart from a short foray into a shuffle for 6 months back when I was up north, I've always had other mp3 players and more recently a Nokia N95 8GB.

Then GMC told me he was selling his iPod classic 80gb so he could buy a Touch for himself and before I knew what had happened I'd said yes, handed over the money and was a proud owner of a shiny, mint condition iPod.

Within 30 minutes of playing on iTunes I was Apple's bitch, rubbish headphones notwithstanding...

Within 1 hour I'd turned off 1-click ordering as I could see it getting seriously out of hand.

I love my iPod, I can't believe I waited so long.. I want to run into the Apple shop in the Westfield and shout out loud "I AM ONE OF YOU NOW..."

But I won't as that would be tragic..

In other news I have the use of my mother's car for Christmas. This is the one she replaced her old Nova with. The Nova I ended up with while she was swanning about in a brand new Chevvy.

Which I am now swanning about in..

She made me promise to not crash it, take out insurance of my own on it and look after it the way she has.

She then told me she drove carefully in it and it had never been in 5th gear.

Oh, it has now...

2008-12-19T11:44:00.002Z

Further things I have learnt...

Me and GMC are a deadly combination when drunk together and he is a very bad influence on me.

As evidenced by one of my colleagues who is now in the doghouse who advised me this morning that "come on, it won't lick itself" is NOT an appropriate way to try and seduce their partner and I should stop giving out such advice.

2008-12-19T11:14:00.000Z

I have discovered the following:

Muscow Mules are lovely

I must get drunk more often

... although the downside is alcohol obviously lowers my immune system as today I appear to have picked up a nasty bug or something and I feel very poorly today...

2008-12-16T10:18:00.002Z

Oh blimey... life and all that...

Work is a curious mix of extremely busy and yet extremely not stressful. I suspect this is because I am demob happy so everything is just shruggable for me at the moment. Urgent deadline *shrug*, staff falling out *shrug*, office on fire *shrug* etc. etc. i think I am beginning to annoy my colleagues but its remarkable how much work i am getting done when I am relaxed about it. I think that's something for me to pay attention to in the future...

In other news nearly all my Christmas shopping is done. I don't know how this happened as its never happened before but I think its something to do with OMG and her organisation skills. I have found myself in shops with a list and buying things. As opposed to my usual panicked running about on Christmas Eve I will be relaxed, calm, I won't even have anything to wrap or any last minute presents to buy.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand its nice to be so prepared but on the other it feels a bit untraditional. Usually there is chaos.. there is running about and there is exhaustion. This year it all feels.. well.... Christmassy.. I am enjoying the run up, I am having fun. Despite all the stressful things happening in my life at the moment I am quite cheery about it all.

It does seem though that my good mood has an equal and opposite effect on those around me who are find me quite 'irritating' and 'annoying'.

Ah well.. fuck 'em.. I am determined to enjoy this mood until someone comes and fucks it all up for me. Which as we have our team christmas 'do' on Thursday and my colleagues will be drinking is probably going to be this week.

On the family front, my mother has been shipped off to a nursing home for 6 weeks until she is back on her feet. Her broken wrist means she can't support her weight so can't use a walker with her super new bionic hip so she needs physio until its all mended.

I think she's sad to be leaving the hospital as she's been going on about how she is enjoying being looked after in hospital and how much she likes the Mexican man who washes her every morning. After the 50th mention of him I asked her if I needed to start calling him daddy.

Anyway, I feel quite relieved that she's going to be looked after as I was worrying that either me or my brother might have to go and stay with her until she gets better and his blood pressure is quite high enough thank you.. and I have been reminded recently of why I think my mother is so challenging. Recent sort of reconcilliation notwithstanding.. she's still a... difficult.. person sometimes..

I think my frustration became obvious when the hospital said they wanted to send social services round to assess my mother (as she lives on her own and might need future support) and I pointed out it was a nice idea but 35 years too late.

Well, my brother laughed...

2008-12-11T12:26:00.002Z

Update...

Cousin out by weekend.. we bounce back quick in our family..

Mother telling nurses she doesn't need any more morphine as she's been through "a war" and is therefore resilient..

I think I wee'd on her bonfire when I pointed out that it wasn't as if she was in the land army given she was only 11.

2008-12-11T08:47:00.003Z

Oh for crying out loud....

Just as I get my run up to Christmas organised and start to buy presents...

My mother goes and gets herself hit by a car.. stupid old git driver didn't see her, which is remarkable as she's huge. So I've been running back and forth to hospital to see her.. she is going to be ok although she's got a broken wrist and has had to have a hip replacement but she's not going to be home for a bit.

Also my cousin, the one everyone likes, has had a heart attack so everythings all a bit stressfull at the moment..

Redux..

2008-12-04T16:26:00.002Z

WhatWouldDanaDo..

Well, she'd wait for a better bloody script before signing on the dotted line next time...

I deliberately didn't go to see the X Files movie at the cinema as the reviews were so poor... I wanted to wait until it was just me and my DVD.. until I could press pause to ponder over a particular plot twist.. until I could fully appreciate the film without having someone else's popcorn down my front, or noisy kids running about, or people on their mobiles during the film....

All that waiting..

And quite frankly it was a bit rubbish.. I mean, its just my opinion but it wasn't even a particularly good monster-of-the-week storyline.. and I doubt very much Mulder would have gone back to the F.B.I. that easily.. and Skinner was woefully underused.. and... and..

Oh I could go on for ages but you'll be pleased to hear I won't.

I am proper gutted though.. and now I'm going to have to fire up my old video machine and dig out my box sets in order to remind myself just how good the X Files was and just how stupid it was to buy 9 seasons of VHS box sets just because it was a good deal as opposed to waiting for those new fangled DVD things to take off *sigh*

On the upside though, I also watched Wanted which was a big standard fairly enjoyable action thingy. Its my opinion that you can't go wrong in a movie if Angelina Jolie is waving a gun about..

On a seperate but connected note: Is it just me or does Morgan Freeman exactly epitomise what I am expecting God to be like if, when I do finally kark it, it turns out I was wrong and he does exist..

In fact, it wouldn't actually surprise me if his movie career is a smokescreen and he actually is god.

I know this is quite a disconnected blog-post.. but work is trying to take over my life.. and I don't even have enough time to surf the net effectively while I am at work, let alone blog.

At this rate my work rate will overtake my internet usage and that isn't a good thing..

In other news, OMG is recovered, the puplet has stopped wazzing and Xmas is approaching at a rate of knots and I've not bought so much as one present yet...

2008-11-29T10:00:00.000Z

Dear I'm A Celebrity producers..

There are some words when put together in a sentence should carry a heath warning, especially to your lesbian viewers..

"martina" and "harness" are two of them..

2008-11-27T09:46:00.001Z

Dear Woolworths,

I was saddened to hear of your demise this week. I, like thousands of other people, have a place in my heart reserved for not only your pick and mix but also your expansive range of household goods and JML gadgets.

I feel though its time for me to be completely honest with you as lets face it, time is running out for us and I need to get something off my chest.

In the period 1981-1982 I was a regular patron of your stores and purchaser of your goods *thinks* actually purchaser might not be the right word. In fact if we're going to be pedantic, shoplifter might be a more appropriate term.

Particularly for some reason your stationery.

During that period I liberated a number of pens, pencils and rulers from your Luton stores. I have no idea why. I didn't steal from anywhere else (other than that hair clip from the chemist in 1979) and I haven't shoplifted anything since. I was able to perfect an almost foolproof method involving long sleeves and my lining of my coat and was not caught once. I should point out that I only did it on a semi-regular basis i.e. once every couple of months as opposed to Jenny from the 4th year who was in and out of your shops every weekend laden like a walking Rymans.

Obviously this confession may well help to explain why, at age 17 when I started my first ever Saturday job in your Houghton Regis store as a store detective, I had an unsurpassed record at catching and preventing stationery theft.

And if I am honest and concede in the notion of karma this may well also explain why during my 18 month tenure in your employ I was promoted to working the tills (via a one month secondment to the deli-counter and one very grim Saturday working in the stockroom) but never, despite my enthusiasm and begging, attained the holy grail of working the record counter.

In the years that have passed I have shopped in your stores on a regular basis. Partly out of guilt and partly because there is no where else quite like you.

And whilst I often smile when passing the stationery section and know already that I shall be there on your final day of trading to show support I promise not pocket a HB for old time's sake.

Fondest regards,

WWDD
ex of Till no. 2
Bedford Square
Houghton Regis

2008-11-26T14:19:00.001Z

Gay Male Colleague has just referred to me as the "Van Day to my Mallet"..

I don't know which one of us he's just insulted the most...

2008-11-26T10:06:00.002Z

I have found the perfect Xmas present for my mother: http://www.kitschulike.com/product_info.php?cPath=42_56&products_id=505

*waits to be struck down*

*looks about*

Oh well, that disproves that then!

My trains were cancelled this morning, my tube's were delayed... but hey ho, my boss isn't in yet so no one has to know!

Except you.

But you won't tell will you? *puppy eyes*

Anyway, as the first part of my journey was so tortuous I found myself at Finsbury Park at the coffee place steeling myself for the rubbish coffee and strange man.

Who is now a woman, and Polish (I do like Eastern European accents...).

She didn't give me extra change but by gooness she makes much nicer coffee and she gave me a free biscuit.

And a wink.

I'm going back tomorrow.

2008-11-24T09:19:00.005Z

And so it is the beginning of another long week.. but I only have *counts* four and a half to go.. and at least a week of that will be spent filing.. so only another three and a half weeks of work.

*gulp*

Oh fucking hell, I've got loads to do.. I knew I shouldn't have done that. I'll be going into a full scale panic next week at this rate..

Ah well.. its only work and all that..

I have decided (again) to try and go on a bit of a health kick before Christmas and try and lose a couple of pounds before the over indulgence begins.. OMG has also decided to do the same although she is tiddly compared to me.. and as I pointed out I don't think a size 10/12 can possibly be considered overweight regardless of how short a person may be.. anyway, we have healthy cupboards, healthy food and a healthy meal plan for this week.. so onward and upward..

I had a nice weekend. Guilt ridden but nice.

The puplet sneaked into OMG's bedroom at some point on Friday evening and wee'd on her bed. The first I knew of it was when I was in the garden with the dogs, me having a cigarette and them having a mooch. We were all startled to hear the shouting of firstly the puplet's name and then mine.. followed by a not inconsiderable amount of profanity. The puplet looked at me with her most innocent face but I knew what she'd done...

I scampered inside and up the stairs and helped OMG change her bedding while apologising profusely. I then decided to cook her dinner by way of apology. I say cook dinner, I actually got her a Sainsbury's Taste the Difference Stroganoff which is one of her favourites, lovingly heated it up and served it with my best contrite face and sorrowful half smile.

Thankfully I was promptly forgiven....

... until 3am when I heard her calling out to me from the bathroom while being violently, and I mean violently, sick.

It appears that the stroganoff gave her food poisoning.

I spent Saturday running up and down the stairs with glasses of water, dry toast and assorted bits of plain bland food. And yesteday running up and down the stairs with glasses of water and a selection of really bland food.

I am now knackered but thankfully she is on the mend.

I know it wasn't my fault but at one point on Saturday she looked at me accusingly and with a tiny feeble voice pointed out that she hadn't had a good weekend as my dog had wee'd on her bed and I'd poisoned her..

"But look on the bright side" I said, rewinding back to our earlier conversation.. "think of the weight you will have lost..."

"oh great" she replied "so I AM fat"..

2008-11-19T13:15:00.003Z

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.... John Sergeant... nooooooooooo.....we live in a democracy.. we are voting for you because we love you.... don't leave.... *sniff*

2008-11-19T10:06:00.000Z

ooo.. I have discovered the original of Midnight at The Oasis by Maria Muldeur.. its lovely..

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=FS_VlIhKn6c

Anyway, on to other not so nice things...

Just when you think your management can't possibly find a more complex and non-sensical way of managing a team.. they do so! Really, they have surpassed themselves this time as we now have two managers, on site on different days and as a team we are split in who we report to.

*shakes head* this is however, like all the other recent restructures, only temporary until they can think of something better. The whole thing is due to the long term sick leave and staggared return of our old boss who by the looks of it doesn't intend to return here any time soon. Not that I blame her..

I had my exit interview with two senior managers last week. There are so many problems in this department I was asked if I minded being interviewed about my reason for leaving with the people at the top of the tree as it were...

I was encouraged to be 'frank' and 'honest' and reassured that there would be no consequences at all for doing so. As I pointed out, I have a new job in a new faculty, a signed contract and impeccable references so to be honest there wasn't really very much I was scared of in terms of consequences, given that in my experience this department can't manage to organise their filing effectively so I think trying to sabotage my career is probably outside its competancy.

I'm not sure that when they asked me to be 'frank' and 'honest' they were really expecting what they got. And yes, I do know that 'centralise the whole team function' 'sack everyone' and 'raze the building to the ground' are not necessarily standard exit interview suggestions for going forward but I think I had some pent up frustrations that I didn't feel had been addressed.

I enjoyed myself though and to be fair they did take on board everything I'd said and acknowledged that my teram in particular had a rough time of it that wasn't representive of the department as a whole and did tell me that the other faculty's gain was their loss. My parting point was that had been the first time in a year that anyone had told me I was valued or had done a good job. Perhaps if I'd heard that more I might be staying.

I should point out that my hapless boss has also resigned and got a job in the same department I am going to so, as have one or two other people so there are now questions at a rather high level as to why a number of staff are making sideways moves out of our faculty.

And his exit interview was apparently much more bitter than mine.. at least I was funny and self depricating and although some of my solutions were extreme I did come up with some stuff that was more practical!

So work has been the main thing occupying me recently. That and the dogs, especially the puplet as she's had quite a downturn in her behaviour recently. There is barking, there is wee'ing and there is defiance which in turn had led to complete collapse of my resolve. Actually that's not strictly true although at 5am this morning as she was barking at nothing I told her she had broken me..

After a couple of coffee's I felt much stronger and have decided that I need to assert myself, not let her get away with anything and step up to being pack leader... in short, she needs to come face to face with my will.

My will is called John Uncle and he's the best dog trainer/behavioural sorter-outer in London.

Life isn't all bad though, Kilroy-Silk is doing the next bushtucker trial.

2008-11-12T13:03:00.003Z

oh.. I found this..

http://www.amazingtunes.com/discover

If you too are a bit shocked by the result of last week's X Factor you can go to the above link and download a couple of Laura's songs. Its a good site for upcoming and unsigned artists and there's some gems in there.. from what I can gather most of the royalties go to the artists which is cool.

Anyway, that's the only time I shall mention X Factor this year.. I shall be far too busy getting my reality tv fix with Celebrity now Martina is confirmed as one of the contestants..

2008-11-11T09:36:00.004Z

I feel very naughty today...

Instead of changing at Holborn for the central line I slipped out of the station while no one was looking and went to Eat for some breakfast. I then carried it secretly in my bag to White City (apart from the coffee that wasn't so secret as I was drinking it) and then to work where it was met with admiring gasps from my colleagues.

"get away from my breakfast" I growled at them..

I did enjoy it though.. you really can't better Eat..

I noticed that the editor of the Daily Mail, Paul Dacre accused high court judge Justice David Eady of 'arrogant and amoral' decisions this week.

Hmm.. pot, kettle, black anyone?

2008-11-04T10:37:00.003Z

I have a secret.

Its not a filthy little secret (although I've had more than one of those in the past ;) ) but it is something I don't necessarily always feel comfortable telling people as it always, without question, changes how they perceive me. I can see the change in their eyes while they are telling me that's ok, it doesn't matter, I'm still me.

And yet I know.. I know they now see me differently. But I've had enough of hiding, I've had enough of not being proud of who I am, I've had enough of not being completely honest.

So here it is, my secret..

*deep breath*

I love The Waltons..

Actually it doesn't seem so bad written down like that. I blame OMG as she is the one with all the boxsets but its true.. I love them.. We both realised this weekend that things had got a bit out of hand as during a particular episode we were both wondering which room Mary Ellen was in and through a process of elimination we worked out it was John-Boy's. Were we able to do this from the curtains? from the furniture? from the pictures?

Nope, we did it purely from the view out of the side window as we both have an apparent encyclopedic knowledge of the Walton House and its vistas.

*shakes head*

Its very sad.
Although not nearly as sad as the following episode when G.W. dies.. that's a real heart-breaker.. I was in bits.. *thinks* okey, there's being open about something and then there's too much information..

In other news:

Day 1 as pack leader.... Progress so far is good. I've managed to walk them, feed them, leave the stuff out for the puppy sitter and all this before 7am this morning *all proud*

I am now knackered.

2008-11-03T10:27:00.007Z

My back hurts.. and its not like I've even hurt it doing anything exciting.. I just slept funny.. but now it hurts to sit down or stand up or laugh or breathe.. and I know I should go and see someone about it as its been giving me problem for a few years now... although as OMG pointed out to me yesterday when I told her that I was going to make an appointment with someone this week, going to far as to point them out in the phone book, a chiropodist does feet.. perhaps I should think of seeing a chiropractor instead.

It appears that as well as a new back I need new glasses.

Despite the pain though I am in a good mood today which is confusing everyone including myself. Its a Monday, I'm in pain and yet I am still remarkably upbeat and chipper. I have no idea why, especially as I've only had about 5 hours sleep (due to the pain) and I've only had one coffee so far (due to the pain.. I can't make it easily downstairs to the cafe) and all my colleagues are off (due to their own assorted pains) so I am womaning the fort.

Obviously there are some people here but they are the rubbish ones who aren't important enough to do the same work as me so they don't count.

So all the evidence is telling me I should be in a right old mood but for some reason I am not *shrug* and I have no idea why. Given that a number of people have seen me grimace today every time I stand up and have asked if I am ok and seemed surprised by my cheery response I am beginning to think I might have a reputation for being a little bit grumpy sometimes.

Don't know where they get that from. Fuckers.

Only joking! See, what a good mood I am in!

I had quite a nice weekend too. Saturday was spent shopping and doing chores although I am really enjoying food shopping at the moment. Given that OMG hates supermarkets slightly more than she hates hoovering and I am the other way round, I have volunteered to do the household food shop each weekend. We are lucky in as much as we live quite closely to several supermarkets and my motto is 'have mp3 player, can ignore idiots' so its becoming quite an enjoyable chore. For some reason everything seems a bit easier with music in the background.

This week for the second in a row I went to Sainsbury's which quite remarkably seem to be much cheaper than Tesco's. Our weekly shop has dropped in price and its a really nice big store, with wide aisles, electrical items and most importantly staff who don't just look blank and shrug when you ask them where something is. I am not so sure about their insitance at escorting me to the very thing I am looking for as that makes me feel about 5 years old but its a vast improvement on most other supermarket experiences.

Of course with all the clothes and other stuff I get sucked into buying things that weren't on the list... but look at my new slippers and pyjamas.... look how warm they look!

..they even make me want to cuddle my own feet if such a thing were possible.. *thinks* such a thing probably is possible.. not with my back obviously...

I might well look like a big tartan yeti but I have lovely warm feet.

2008-10-30T13:51:00.001Z

I synced diaries with OMG last night.

Usually this takes the form of a conversation in which she tells me all the days she's out and about on meetings so if possible I need to come home straight from work to walk the dogs, and the nights she's away so if possible can I make sure I walk the dogs before I go to work, confirm the dog walker for the daytime and then get them out again when I get home.. oh and could I also try to keep to some kind of routine which includes NOT feeding them from my plate or letting them on the furniture.. etc. etc.

I then tell her the one or possibly two evenings in the next month I might actually be doing something.. *shakes head* I need a social life.. *sigh* but then again I am usually far too tired to go anywhere or do anything anyway..

Turns out that's a good thing as OMG is away loads in Novemeber.. meetings up north, up further north, up really north and at one point she's even got to go as far as Luton. Only joking northerners.. or rather living up to those southern sterotypes you are so fond of!!

.. seriously though she's off all over the country at assorted points of the month so I am going to be pack leader! I am sure the dogs knew what we were talking about as they were both cuddled up in one of the (many) dog beds looking between us both. I think they're a bit unsure when she's away as they clearly love us both and the doglet is very definitely her dog and the puplet mine but I think they like us for different things.. her for food and walks and me for treats and a general lack of discipline... I really must start to do better on that front.. might explain why the puplet is weeing where she feels like..

In other news our landlady popped round at the weekend to whine about her job (for 2 hours) and tell us how tough things are for her at the moment (a further hour) as having a big old property empire and the fact that mortgage rates are rising is very stressful... she also casually dropped into the conversation she might either be a) raising the rent next year or b) selling up... lovely..

Its irritated me quite a lot to be honest as OMG's last landlady right royally screwed her over and me over by offering us the flat above OMG's original tiddly one.. the flat with the big garden and the two bedrooms and the everything we wanted etc.. we negotiated rent and agreed everything and she was so pleased to be letting to people she knew after some recent tenant problems..

...and then an agent friend of hers popped round and we could almost see the pound signs flash up in her eyes as she promplty added another £500 a month onto the rent we agreed.. all the week before we moved (and I'm sorry but a one and a half bedroom garden flat in Highgate is not worth £400 a week, especially one with a shared heating system and botched bathroom). Blatantly I told her to go fuck herself and to quit whining to us about her money worries.. no really.. I did actually say those things..

Which in retrospect might have been a little bit harsh but seriously I don't really give a fuck. OMG's old landlady, our new landlady.. I find it most offensive, people like that whining about having no money but both having property portfolio's of over a million quid.... shouldn't have got all out those mortgages then love should you...

I opened my mouth to say all this to my landlady but out came the words "would you like some more cake?"

Which is either down to the fact that I am a grown up and I am tactful or it is down to the fact that OMG has her daps on in the house and they were pointed at my shins..

You can make your own mind up about that...

2008-10-28T15:55:00.000Z

I had a day off work yesterday... was lovely.. I had all these grand plans to do lots of housework and catch up with stuff around the house and indeed was up and doing washing and walking dogs etc. all by 10am..

But then I started watching some Terminator - Sarah Connor Chronicles on my laptop and was lost for a few hours.. well.. Lena Headey is rather yummy ..

So today is my Monday, but there's only 3 days left this week which means that Friday will be Thursday if you know what I mean..

*scratches head* no.. me neither..

In otehr news, Spooks is back.. I love that programme! Don't have a single clue what's going on for most of it but I do love it! Didn't see Adam's storyline last night coming though so that was a bit of a shock to the system! Anyway, tonight there is Holby which means there is Connie Beauchamp and then there is Spooks which means there is Ros Myers. Which means I shall have a happy.

The puplet is recovering well but her new 'patient' status i.e. being allowed on the sofa's and on OMG's bed appears to have given her a false sense of her own importance. Last night she wee'd on OMG's bed. Which for some reason she didn't find nearly as amusing as when the puplet wee'd on mine.. *shrug*

Ooo...

2008-10-25T07:21:00.001Z

I can blog from my phone! How exciting..

I am only blogging at 8am on a Saturday morning to say that i've just had a dream about Rosie O'DonnelL and the byzantian empire..

I just needed to record that somewhere as it may well be the most ridiculous dream i've actually ever had.. And i include Kate Moss doing all my ironing, being in the Resistance with Kate Winslet and cage fighting with Dale Winton in that list..

Maybe i'm eating too much cheese...

2008-10-23T10:46:00.003Z

I am terrible about being tagged.. I always feel like I am in the middle of an exam and it takes me ages to do it.. but anyway, thanks to femmeismygender.... here are 7 random things about myself..

1. I was once briefly wanted by Interpol but it was a case of mistaken identity

2. My most profound wish is not to be rich or to be sucessful or any of those things, it is to have a sunny personality.. I know these things are supposed to be inbuilt but I am determined to get there in the end!

3. These days I tend not to cry that much but two things without fail always bring tears to my eyes: the song The Long And Winding Road and the book A Captive In Time by Sarah Dreher (one of her Stoner McTavish mysteries) *shrug* the first I can explain the second I can't.

4. I flew over Monte Carlo in a helicopter and felt utterly a) awed and b) out of place

5. In my 20s I loved to dance and I danced whenever I could. I don't really dance any more *thinks* I don't know why, maybe I should change that...

6. I am so used to living in places with either no heating or being too expensive to heat that even now when I am can affort heating and live in a lovely centrally heated house I often wander about in a jumper as it doesn't occur to me to put the heating on... its always such a nice treat when I remember to!

7. At the age of 9 I was convinced I could fly and flung myself off a building with my arms outstretched. Thankfully it was only the garden shed and the only thing dented was my pride.

ermm.. in terms of tagging someone else.. ermm.. sonmthing else I am terrible at.. so for any readers i have left after my several month hiatus: fill your boots!

2008-10-23T09:51:00.005Z

My puplet was spayed yesterday.... If you think this is a sad face you should have seen her once I'd put her lampshade collar on..

2008-10-21T09:09:00.002Z

Morning team!

I've been in a state of shock since Friday.. at assorted points over the weekend I remembered I had a new job and started dancing (which was amusing for my neighbours) but then I managed to convince myself it was all a mistake.. *shakes head*

Anyway, suffice to say it appears not to be. I do actually appear to have a new job.

*dances round desk*

I really must stop that.. its apparently 'irritating'.

Anyway, without actually mentioning my employer I currently work for a Higher Education institution (its got faculties and everything! How Bette Porter is that!!!) and I am moving to another campus to be in the lofty position of *drum roll* Administrator. Which to be honest, for someone with a a lot of private sector history sounds a bit pants.. but it appears when you are in the world of academia (or at least at this insititution) and tell people you're going to be an Administrator they start to wet themselves and cower in front of you.I like this a lot.

Anyway, its a nice job and my new boss appears to be a nice woman but the nicest nicest thing of all (other than the pay rise which is rather nice) is the fact that as of the new year I will be based in town.. Zone 1 and everythin'.. no more gruelling commute to the outer reaches.. *happy sigh*

This thought was consoling me this morning as my train shuddered to a halt and all the lights went off. As we are in Britain and therefore we do not speak to our fellow commuters everyone sat in silence. A hundred people all looking nervously about but trying not to make any eye contact with anyone else. Personally I was too busy checking my watch to see if it was going backwards or if we were losing time (I didn't just watch the x files for Dana Scully you know, I was paying attention to the plots as well.. except the whole Scully/Mulder thing at the end as I was certain that Dana would realise her whole struggle between science and the paranormal was actually a metaphor for her real struggle with her sexuality and religion, only realising with the catalysing presence of Agent Reyes as the passion between them became an unstoppable.. oh hang on.. too much fanfic *shakes head*)

Anyway.. after about 10 minutes the silence was shattered by an assortment of shrieks (not all of them from the women in the carriage) as the driver banged on the window and shouted that there was a power outage... just as the power came back on.. we all looked at him for an explanation and he simply shrugged and said "erm... or not" and wandered off.

After all that excitement I had to go to the man at Finsbury Park and get a coffee. I didn't get a biscuit, extra change or eye contact, clearly my recent absence has had consequences.

2008-10-17T12:18:00.002Z

Personally I thought I'd done a terrible interview.. awful.. I came out feeling positively unimpressed with myself..

Which in retrospect seems a bit daft as I was apparently miles ahead of anyone else and remarkably I have been offered the job.

No really..

I am in shock..

2008-10-15T09:54:00.002Z

I've heard some fabulous excuses for being late for work in my time... my personal favourite being "I caught my sister in the shower with a Kosovan"..

I don't make up excuses any more.. given that my commute is so awful I am generally either very early or a little bit late most days so I just text and say "I'm late" or "I'm late, I'm very sorry" or if I am having a very bad morning "I'm late, get over it". Mind you, as in the case of this morning, I was late but no one was there to see it.. so did that mean I was really late at all?

Ah well.. I didn't bother texting anyone this morning so it'll be just our little secret..

I've had someone else talk to me about another job this morning. I uploaded my CV to that website thingy that Max Beesley was nagging on about on the TV "tell your computer" "TELL YOUR COMPUTER" etc. etc. as if that's the last place you would go.. lets face it, our computers know more about us than our families, friends and partners.. and I am far more likely to ask my computer some things than anyone else...

"where can I find that very specific and elusive Star Wars memorabilia present for OMG?",
"where can I renew little-sprogs online gaming subscription?"
...my dog is wee'ing on me.. "where can I go to find out if this is normal behaviour"
"where can I go to look at naked pictures of..." etc. etc.

So as Max insisted I do, I told my computer I hated my job and it said it already knew and would I like to be cheered up with some naked pictures of... anyway, I cut it off mid sentence and uploaded my cv to this jobsite thingy and lo and behold!!!!

*drum roll*

Loads of spam.. well, not spam exactly.. desperate agencies with nothing to offer except commission only sales jobs.. useless people offering useless products... therefore spam.

Anyway, I appear to have put off all the shite agencies, either that or they've all gone out of business.. which isn't beyond the realms of possibility in this credit crunch.. and this morning I actually got a proper email from a proper person from a proper company. With a big posh fancy proper job.

Will see if anything comes of it *shrug* am still feeling very pragmatic and relaxed all round at the moment so ho hum.. just letting life unfold..

I am embracing this current state of mind as it will end.. I am not known for my calmness, I am more known for excessive profanity in trying times. So I shall enjoy being all centred and grounded as long as I can and hope that mood doesn't evaporate 15 minutes prior to tomorrow's interview.

Or I am fucked.

2008-10-14T10:34:00.002Z

They say your memory goes when you get older and its true.

For instance, OMG has a nickname, its nothing rude or anything like that but its something to do with her (perfectly normal) surname but it never really makes sense to me.. every couple of months though I have a flash of inspiration and go "ooohh, that's why.." and she rolls her eyes and points out that I said the very same thing only a few weeks ago.

And I've got a thermal temperature guage thingy that I found this weekend.. I love my termerature guage thingy and fully planned to blog on here about it but then i remembered that I already have http://whatwoulddanado.blogspot.com/2006/07/woman-of-taste.html)..

It does worry me sometimes.. but then I just forget about it..

In other news... I have a job interview this week.. its working for the same organisation, on the same grade but in a different department and a different role. Much less finance, more higher education research and development kind of stuff. I have no idea if I stand any chance of getting the job, but putting together the app was a good exercise and the interview will be good practice. If I get the job.. great but if I don't then that's ok too..

Which I know sounds all every pragmatic but its simply because I've seen a couple of colleagues here go for jobs recently that they were very qualified for but that went to people 'allegedly' earmarked for the roles before they even advertised and invited applications *shrug*. So I figure there's no real point getting all hilarious about this job.. it would be great to get it but strangely putting together my cv and past experience has renewed some of my confidence in my abilities and if I don't get it then I obviously wasn't right for them and in turn they probably aren't right for me.

How grown up do I sound? *all proud*

The only issue I have had is what on earth do i wear for interview.. I have a suit, a really really nice subtle pinstrip, lined, classic black suit but its just a teensy weensy bit too tight at the moment.. well, I have had it for a couple of years and I feel quite heartened that I am only half a stone heavier than I was when I got it.. anyway, I went out to buy another suit at the weekend and had absolutely no sodding luck at all.

I tried everywhere, H&M, Dorothy Perkins (my fav as I know their stuff fits me perfectly and they are one of the few places that have a 'tall' section), Next, River Island etc. etc.

It appears I have three problems:

1. I have a 33" inside leg
2. I am not a size 8 or 10
3. People i.e. women, are moving away from corporate suits

I did find one suit that fitted me and was just about long enough but to be honest I looked about 40 in it *thinks* oh hang on.. anyway, it wasn't a great cut and I know its not a very dykey thing to say but some H&M jackets are just a bit too masculine.. I've got big shoulders anyway but I've got a couple of their jackets and I look like I am about to throw someone out of a pub..

So I went for something a bit more daring in the end.. a really nice (aka expensive) nicely cut pair of trousers, a very cool cream nehru collared shirt/blouse thingy and a hideaously expensive italian wool coat. Which is apparently according to just about everyone who has seen it, incredibly flattering and professional looking. I'm still trying to work out what the 'flattering' bit means.. I am hoping that this ensemble will be just as smart as a suit and OMG has promised to 'accessorise' me...(with some jewellery and maybe a neck scarf btw.. not the *other* type of lesbian accessories..

Anyway, the point is that I am hoping my plan to ditch the suit won't backfire on me, and that it is acceptable to be non suited for interview..

*thinks*

I should stop there.. all this talk of outfits and image is getting a bit Gok Wan for me.. I'll be talking about my bangers next.. which I suppose is acceptable.. on a personal blog.. just as long as I remember not to get them out in the interview..

I think even with my memory I can remember not to do that.

2008-10-13T11:50:00.005Z

I'm a technological marvel but this one has me beat.. so I am shamelessly asking for help..

I am desperate to get my grubby paws on a copy of the song Are You Trying To Be Funny, from the album Love Not Money by EBTG... it seems to be the only album of theirs you can't download... if anyone has come across this anywhere and can point me in the right direction to buy it I would be very grateful..

...and will sign over my firstborn seamonkey..

2008-10-13T09:07:00.002Z

I do love Alan Carr.. he's fab..

I wouldn't go to see another Channel 4 tv show being recorded if you paid me mind you, but he was fab.

I started the day with much excitement.. I was going to see Alan Carr *claps hands together in girly excitement*.. but after 90 mins queing outside the Beeb and being corralled into differing lines by a quite scary and officious woman with a clipboard (who on reflection might not have been anything to do with the show..) we finally got inside. To spend another hour huddled in a packed cafe/reception type place before being finally sent off to the studio. At which point I realised the folly of not bringing a bottle of water with me.. oh no, you see I decided I would wait until the whole thing was scheduled to finish at 8.30 to get food and drink.

I should have known when the show didn't even start until 8pm that was probably out of the question...

One of the *stars* had a wardrobe malfunction.. and delayed it all by 45 mins while she was sewed back into her dress.. it probably doesn't take a genius to work out which one it was...

I know I sound grumpy about it all but to be honest it was a pretty appalling night.. topped off by the fact that hardly any of the stars knew what they were doing and were all quite pissed by the looks of it and the fact that the warm up act, while probably perfectly appropriate for Butlins was just the wrong side of offensive for me.. I'm still not sure of the wisdom of taking the piss out of a mainly gay audience by given them names like 'daffodill'..

Things I now know:

Julie Goodyear really does behave as if she is the queen, its not just an act. Todd Carty broke every middle aged Grange Hill loving, straight woman's heart as he really is the dullest person in the world.. even Alan Carr pointed out that they'd booked a mute at one point.. Martine McCutcheon is really funny and sweet in real life.. although not nearly as funny and nice as Gillian Taylforth.

I have to say Alan Carr was brilliant though, the evenings saving grace.. and although his very best jokes didn't make the actual programme, which was especially sad in the case of the Leslie Grantham one as that sent me into a laughing/coughing fit and was the highlight of the evening.. its still making me laugh several days later..

I did notice myself on telly. I thought I looked quite good.. I texted gay male colleague while the programme was on to rubbish his hair and pointed out that I was looking rather foxy considering the camera puts 10 pounds on a person..

He texted back "fuck me, how many did you eat?"

2008-10-08T08:06:00.003Z

oh oh oh oh and.....

I am very excited today as I am going to see Alan Carr this evening filming his Ding Dong (fnar).

Gay Male Colleague has tickets and has promised that he ticked no to all the boxes on the questionairre that came with them.. I think I trust him but if I am singled out of the crowd and hear the words "now WWDD, I understand you are a lesbian virgin with a penchant for dogging" I am going to kill someone..

2008-10-08T08:03:00.001Z

So far today three people out of a team of eight have turned up to work.. to be frank this is quite good for our office.. between the sick leave and unscheduled leave and *air quotes* working from home etc. etc. if you work on my team you are more likely to be noticed for actually coming to work as opposed to not being here. Since we put up a whiteboard, or rather stole one from the training room, for people to mark their weekly movements on we haven't actually had a full week with everyone here. In fact betting on the state of the whiteboard by the end of the week has become a past-time in the team.. "I'll take your 5 sick days and 3 annual leave and raise you two emergency dental appointments and an appendix scare".. either our team is particularly unhealthy (and working next to the morgue might explain that) or people might, just a little tiny bit, maybe, be making these things up in order to have a lie in..

Ah well.. it all adds to the other problems with morale and sometimes I feel like I am rubber-necking at an accident as I watch our team, and I use the term loosely, slowly imploding.. Our managers are stressed and not coping particularly well with the pressure they appear to be getting from above.. although I am fairly certain that my big boss (as opposed to hapless line manager) having his contract held up is nothing whatsoever to do with my accidentally mentioning to the head of Equalities that he is particularly politically incorrect and quoting one of his more offensive statements.. racism, sexism and homophobia all in one little 'joke'.. *innocent face*

Ah well, if you can't shaft the people you work with who can you shaft?

In other news.. I'm still sniffling.. this is just getting silly now.. I am slowly exhausting the sympathy reserves of everyone around me and am now just irritating people with my coughing and snuffling and nose blowing.

And yes everyone, I know if I gave up smoking then I woud probably not have such a cough but to give up smoking would be to give up on life.. and they are going to make it illegal eventually so I'll have to either give up then or just sneak out for cigarettes when no one is looking, never allowed inside pubs and resturants, I'll be huddling about the pouring rain with other smokers in enclosures with non smokers wandering past looking at us in disgust..

I can't imagine that kind of world..

2008-10-06T10:46:00.001Z

Good Godfrey Cambridge.. I still have this cold! I am not so much dying today but I am very tired as I did spend far too much of the night coughing every time I laid down. Which meant that I also spent far too much of the night sitting upright and staring at my walls... I was too tired to read, too tired to play my PSP, too tired to do anything useful with those hours except stare into the middle distance vacously. And cough.

Suffice to say I am quite tired today and may well lapse into that grumpy-tired mood that my colleagues all know and love by this afternoon.

I had a good weekend though. The tube in out TV started to go last week and after a couple of days of dodgy colour and green faces, myself and OMG decided enough was enough when Dot and Yolande went bright purple in Friday's Eastenders. We were far too mesmerised by the peculiar skin tone to actually pay any attention to what they were saying so Saturday was spent looking at TV's, being confused by salespeople, thinking about our options over a coffee and eventually getting a new one from PC World.

If you are worried about sales staff confusing you with an information overload, go to PC World. You won't be able to get any attention from any sales staff for love nor money but on the upside you can make your own mind up.

Saturday evening was spent staring at the new TV and its shiny lovely shinyness and widescreen picture.

In other news I forgot to put a residents permit on my car on Friday night so in order to avoid a parking ticket I was up at 7.30 am wandering across the village green in my pyjames to ensure I got to my car before the traffic warden did. Of course I bumped into one of my neighbours at that ridiculous time in the morning and decided to cheerily wave and keep walking in the hope that he would not think this was an odd thing for me to be doing, or that he had wandered into a scene from Awakenings.

The fact that he veered noticably away from me in the supermarket on Saturday afternoon leads to me to suspect I failed..

2008-10-02T09:17:00.001Z

My darling angel little light of my life dogs woke me at 5am this morning. The doglet decided that there was something outside worth barking at and the puplet then decided she should have a bark too. She does that sometimes, if he's barking she thinks that she should too even though she has no idea what she's barking at. Lovely.. little sods.. I went back to bed and tossed and turned for a and the eventually got up at 5.30 which is only 30 mins earlier than I usually would. I sat on the sofa with a cup of coffee, scary hair and bleary eyes watching the new channel with a dog on each side looking equally bleary eyed.

Its 9am now and I'm at my desk dying... well, not actually dying.. but I'm sleepy and I need coffee and I've got loads to do *whine* *whine*

Thankfully the fact that I am ill means that the light-hearted banter about me having a man has stopped. Either that or my threat to castrate the banter-er (is that a word?) concerned.

I'm going to try and focus on the positives today:

*thinks*

*thinks some more*

Oh hang on... I've got some..

My puplet hasn't wee'd in the house for at least a week
I have lost some weight (not through any particular dieting, just by cutting out the chocolate I seem to shovel into my gob every week)
I have finished my application well in time for another job in this organisation and its not a bad one, even if I say so myself. Which I clearly am by typing this.. anyway..
It is a credit crunch and I have a job

I made my own coffee for my journey this morning, I was proper looking forward to it, I warmed my little thermal cup, I dug out my latte sachet and then I noticed that OMG has bought semi-skimmed milk. Pah!

2008-10-01T10:44:00.002Z

I have been poorly.. proper poorly.. so poorly that I spent yesterday in bed thinking about how poorly I was... feeling sorry for myself and wondering why no one takes you seriously when you say you have a cold.

I have dragged my snuffly, coughing self to work today to infect the people I work with.. its my way of dealing with the low morale.. but I am a bit vexed as I came in today especially for a meeting and its been cancelled as someone else has my cold..

I am officially Patient Zero and everyone is avoiding me. I feel alone and marginalised.. Gay Male Colleague bought me a coffee and pushed it along the desk with a ruler and a 'stay away from me' sad smile... but on the upside all the morons in the office are also staying away from me.. so not all bad then!

The man at Finsbury Park gave me a free biscuit this morning but its no good. I won't be going back. I have worked out why his coffee is so ropey.. he uses skimmed milk and no matter what diet I have been on in my life, you can take away my biscuits, you can take away my chocolate but you can't take away my full fat milk.

Yesday I texted my bosses to tell them I had man flu but couldn't see my phone properly to text accurately and told them I was off work as I "had a man"..

..oh they've had fun with that one this morning..

2008-09-29T08:18:00.002Z

On Saturday morning I woke up to a nice cup of tea and a face full of puppies, OMG decided to bring me tea in bed and both the dogs decided to help which was a bit of a shock to the system as both of them were all enthusiam and no coordination and actually they were doing the minimum amount of actual helping, choosing instead to jump all over sleepy me.. but lets face it, there are worse things to wake up to.. total strangers.. a mate's girlfriend... the breeze on your face because you are in the middle of a field etc. etc.

She told me it was because she thought it might be nice for me but personlly I think she'd been up for a bit, the dogs were driving her nuts and my snoring was going a) through the walls and floors and b) through her.

I have decided that maybe I should follow the advice I had from the docs regarding my throat....

...(I think I blogged on here a couple of years ago that I've got some things wrong with my thryroid that mean I choke and snore etc in my sleep sometimes.. *thinks* that's a pretty picture isn't it..)

....that I need to start thinking about possibly having some thoughts about maybe thinking about losing some weight.

In a minute, after this biscuit.

Anyway, it was a nice start to the weekend, which as always seemed to fly by very quickly. I was pretty productive yesterday, doing all the ironing and cleaning and tidying etc that I've been avoiding for the last couple of weeks. The only downside when I am in that kind of mood is that I can't seem to stop myself... I ended up being talked down by OMG as I was looking for yet another thing to Limelite at 7pm last night..

My 'cleaning' mood doesn't happen very often but when it does.. it might be a logistical challenge but you could eat your dinner off my shower head now.

I didn't go to the coffee man this morning.. I am keeping him on his toes..

2008-09-25T09:15:00.000Z

oh dear.. I've had a bit of an online argument.. apparently its ok to vote for Sarah Palin if you are a lesbian as she is a strong woman.. the fact that she'll probably come after your gay arse with a big old shotgun and hunt you out of existence seems to be a logic completely lost on my American friends.

Although frankly, if they are going to vote for Sarah Palin then I don't really want them in my circle of friends anyway.

Anyway, that's my political statement for the day, not quite as good as Gordon's and I don't have a nice wife to stand up and introduce me but ah well..

Would anyone like my job? Its well paid (for what we do) but you do have to sit in an office with a bunch of agressive idiots whose behaviour would put a toddler to shame.

Obviously in return I would like your job. Unless you are a nurse. I don't like blood.

The man at Finsbury Park gave me too much change this morning. I am getting more suspicious of him as each day goes by..

2008-09-23T07:51:00.001Z

In the mornings I have to make a choice: quicker journey to work by overground but nowhere to buy coffee and thereby make the journey as something resembling a human being or a longer journey to work by bus and tube but with several options for coffee and therefore firing up my synapses and ability to make vowel sounds.

I have however discovered a new option! Right by the overground exit at Finsbury Park there is a coffee shop so I can nip off the train, get coffee and nip back onto the underground (I change at Finsbury Park anyway) and then continue my journey in a much more pleasant way. The coffee isn't all that to be honest but swings and roundabouts etc.

Last week the coffee man didn't have any change and I didn't have anything other than a £20 note and some small change so he let me off £1. I went back this morning to pay him back and ended up having quite the argument as he didn't want to take my money, he'd rather have my business but as I pointed out, he could actually have both. It seemed to descend into some kind of Life Of Brian market bartering type farce until I left the £1 on his counter and simply walked away.

Its the first time I've ever had an argument about giving someone money at Finsbury Park.

I'm having fun and games at work at the moment. All the staff in my team except me, gay colleague and our two hapless bosses (so, the six people under us then) are up in arms about assorted things. Their workloads compared to the others in the team, attitudes, professionalism, timekeeping, sick etc. etc. etc. And one member in particular is unhappy with everything and managing to wind everyone else up just a little but more while she sits back and watches it all kick off. Which is extremely annoying but on the other hand amlost something to be admired as she's really really good when it comes to manipulating people. Its quite the masterclass on a) how not to behave at work and b) how not to behave as a human being. I am certainly learning much..

The downside is that one of my hapless bosses is about to leave to go to another department and the other one is only here part of the week so me and gay colleague are copping it all. He is quite enjoying it all though as he has that special gay male ability to leave you wondering at the end of a conversation as to whether you've just been really insulted or not.

Except with me of course, he never leaves me wondering. Yesterday he was having a debate with himself as to whether he should have sugar in his coffee (as he's watching his weight). He did turn to ask me my thoughts and then stopped himself, looked at me and pointed out that there was no reason asking me as its obviously a debate I don't have.

B'stard.

Funny b'stard.

But a b'stard.

I did get my own back by not telling him that his mini mohican wasn't exactly level knowing he would be going home on the tube with wonky gay hair, committing the cardinal gay-hair crime.

Ha!

2008-09-22T08:35:00.001Z

Well then.. I've had a nice few days...

Blatantly I had a better time on Friday than my friend as I wasn't having lasers burning the back of my eye, I was sitting in the waiting room trying not to get killed in Brothers in Arms and smiling at everyone who sat down in what I hoped was a "I'm sure it won't hurt" kind of way. I do like to do my bit for society and I think I was a reassuring presence but it was kinda ruined when my friend stumbled out of the laser suite after treatment with red eyes and demanded I got her out of there..

I went to pick up the car in the evening and bumped into the little sprog! he was up in London for the weekend as he was missing concrete and cars and apparently they don't have too much of either where he lives in Devon.

So yesterday he came round and we hung out for the afternoon with OMG and the dogs. After some X-Box/TV issues we decided to go old style and play a proper game and I think it was telling that its been so long since any of us have actually played a board game that we needed to read the instructions... for Monopoly..

Needless to say we did have a great time once we'd got into the swing of things although I noticed that OMG and the little sprog spent much time doing deals that gave each other rent immunity. I did try and point out to the little sprog that kind of dealing might come back to bite him on the bum as OMG (renamed Sarah Beeny for the duration of the game) was determind to build on everything she had and had only given him immunity on her lesser value properties.

And indeed I was proved correct but she was a gracious winner, only making me take one photo of her at the end with all her money and her property empire which basically included everything on the board but the Old Kent Road which by the end comprised my entire property Empire.

I think we did start to take it a bit too seriously when my plans for a hotel on the Old Kent Road were blocked by the other players as they pointed out that no one would want to stay there and I wouldn't in real life get planning permission. I countered by objecting to OMG putting a hotel on Park Lane as I said there were already plenty of hotels on Park Lane and there probably wasn't room enough for another one.

In the end we compromised, she got her hotel on Park Lane and I got a homeless hostel on the Old Kent Road.

I love Monopoly..

2008-09-19T08:40:00.000Z

Three days in a row! I'm on a roll!!!

My puplet looked up at me as I stumbled this this morning alll bleary eyed at 6am through the house all eager with a face that said "look mummy, look what I've done". I looked at her and then I looked at the wet patch I was standing in and reminded myself that she was trying to tell me something. Or she hates me.

In work news Gay Male Colleague ( will think of a better name for him at some point) is a Facebook/blog addict and has decided that I have a blog.. and is on the hunt for it..

Which will do him absolutely no good at all as I haven't used my full name on here and I haven't mentioned my place of work. Although I have discovered that the downside of deciding that I wasn't going to blog again and promptly posting a photo of myself on here and giving out the web address to some friends means that I feel a little more exposed than before. Not quite as exposed as that time back in '86 in the middle of the night in a bunker at the local golf club but you know what I mean..

Which is why i haven't really talked about special friend very much.. partly because she comes here sometimes and I don't want her to read anything that I haven't actually said to her in person but also because I'm not really sure what's going round in my head about it all... I mean its been a while now, but we're still not in a 'defined' relationship and I'm kinda single but kinda not.. and although its lovely a lot of the time I am wondering if the reason things are still so.. un-committed.. is because maybe we're not supposed to be together..

*shrug* not that I really mind, which also probably says something in itself..

Ah well.. perhaps one day I shall understand the female psyche. Actually I'd settle for having a single buggering clue as to what's going on with my own..

Anyway, I've actually really enjoyed blogging this week and I've also enjoyed having a wander back through my archives.. its nice sometimes to see what I've been up to over the years and its also useful to be able to pinpoint what I was doing on a certain day in the past in case I'm ever asked.. "March 31st 2006, yes officer.."

Today a friend of mine is off to hospital to have something done to one of her eyes and I am going along to keep her company. I shall do my best to be supportive, positive, encouraging and not to faint. Its not the first time I've been with her and as I pointed out last time, its a nice hospital and the cafe is really good and its not like they keep us waiting for a long time.

In retrospect it probably wasn't the right thing to say as she replied "well, I'm so glad you're having a good time".

2008-09-18T08:53:00.002Z

Once a month OMG has an overnight stay with her job. The rest of the month she works mainly from home as the organisation she works for is national and she is the area project mangery type thingy for London, which works very well for the dogs as it means they are rarely left for longer than a couple of hours at a time.

When she does go away we have a very nice dog walker who comes in while I am at work. Although at first I was convinced despite seeing her Insurance forms, references and CRB check, that she was going to steal both dogs and burgle our house I have now relaxed as so far she hasn't done either of those and the dogs seem to like her which is nice. It does mean that on those two days their sole care comes from me and it does generally descend into some kind of chaos as I am rubbish when it comes to routine.

This week OMG was away so me and pups had the place to ourselves on Tuesday night. I had big plans.. Unlimited use of the remote control with no programme negotiation and compromise, microwave meal for one, wandering about in my underwear...*thinks* wow, how sad does my life sound...Anyway in the end I got really bored without another adult to talk to and did lots of houseworky type tasks and played with the dogs all evening.

I even cleaned both their ears out and groomed them. Then I spent half an hour trying to convince them both to come out from behind the sofa and be my friend again.

In the end I managed to get them to come in the garden and we played ball for half an hour.. I love our garden, especally as I spend so much time in it as I *takes a deep breath* live in a non-smoking house.

I knew OMG was a non smoker.. we've been friends a long time.. and I knew that sharing a house together would mean it was a non smoking one. And as ex-wife and the little sprog decided to move to Devon and continue all the renovation down there and frankly that's just too much of a commute for me.. and most of the rest of my friends are either anti-dog, anal tidy freaks or manic depressives and living on my own just makes me insular and I'll just end up watching Buffy re-runs and eating Dairylea on toast for dinner every night...so all in all it sharing with her was the most appealling option.

And she knows I am scruffy and untidy and unlike some housemates in the past doesn't accuse me of destroying her life for leaving a newspaper on the table and doesn't care what state my room is in. Which is handy as my room is a right state, full of boxes and bags. Mainly as I couldn't get my antique chest of drawers up our tiny cottagy stairs so lots of clothes and books etc are still in boxes until I find another storage option.

So now my antique chest of drawers sits in the kitchen and contains the cutlery and pans and dog food and tools and.. etc.. etc.. instead of my clothes and underwear and knick knack thingys.. etc. etc. meaning my other antique drawers live in a box under the bed.

Although at the moment I am having underwear issues as remarkably I appear to have lost some weight which means all my smart work trousers are very loose and so, often without me knowing, my trousers have fallen down a bit and my pants have been on display. I had no idea until gay male colleague shouted across the office that I needed to put my arse away as it was making him feel ill. I immediately took offence and he immediately pointed out that if he wanted to look at women's underwear he'd be straight. I immediately responded by pointing out that I like to look at women's underwear and I wasn't straight.

Apart from making me sound incredibly sleazy I was most impressed with my reply as for a few seconds he looked bewildered and frankly its the first time I've manged to have a quicker come back than him.

So now in case, I am wearing racy lacy's and best pants every day.

Don't ask me why it seems impossible to get smart work trousers that have not only pockets but belt loops. It appears that the fashion police have decreed we may have one or the other but not both.

So I can either have a place for my mobile phone and therefore easy access to my social life (such as it is) or I can keep my pants private.

I might have to rethink my priorities.

2008-09-17T09:21:00.001Z

gooodness.. so much seems to have happened in the blogging world.. 30something and Missfee have disappeared.. HighMaintenanceFemme has gone straight and me and Random are friends again!

On reflection though none of that seems to be particularly old news.. See how out the loop I've become.. How life moves on!

How are you all? I am fine thanks for asking.. Lots has happened in the last few months but I can't remember anything particuarly exciting to blog about.

I am almost now enjoying my job. Not the work itself mind you but I have a new colleague who makes me smile every day. Nope, its not a slightly flirty woman, its a gay man! His cutting wit and astutue abservations brighten my day, apart from the ones aimed at me.

Since working with him I have consigned my collection of brightly coloured socks to the bin ("you look like you've stamped in a Tellytubby"), had my hair cut ("I meant to ask, where can I too get my hair cut like Anne Widdecombe") and smarted up my wardrobe ("you do know its only dress-down Friday don't you...")

Mind you, when I first smarted up it seemed like every day someone wanted to ask me if I was going to an interview or a funeral. I found that replying to the last one with a 'yes' and a sombre look on my face soon shut them up. if you follow it up with a *bright voice* 'not really!' it completely disarms them.. especially when you follow that up with *sombre face* 'its a wake'..

heh heh...

I do find now that looking smart means I am standing out more at the tube in the morning. I get off at White City next to the BBC so naturally I am surrounded by designer casual shabby chic as opposed to smart office types. Although this morning standing out more was a particularly wasted blonde young woman who on reflection might not have actually been wasted and might just have been Amy Winehouse with a new do *thinks* oh and as usual, wasted.

It does appear that to work at the BBC you need to not only have a work pass but you must be wearing skinny jeans and Paul Smith glasses. The latter I could probably get to work for me but I'm not sure its legal for a bottom the size of mine to be in skinny jeans.

In other news, OMG and the doglet are fine, my puplet is fine.. although she's a grown up lady dog now.. she has recently been having some behavioural issues which started with her deciding to claim my bed as her own. By wee'ing on it. And then the following night claiming me as her own. In the same way.

Her and the doglet now sleep in their beds in the hall as opposed to on their owners respective beds and whilst the doglet doesn't seem to mind, the puplet is showing her displeasure at this new regime. Again, by the medium of wee. Wee'ing her bed, wee'ing on the doglet etc. etc.

I am taking her to the vet this weekend just to rule out any kind of water infection but it seems that this kind of behaviour is common in some dogs when they get to her age, especially if they have a rubbish owner who is not very good at imposing boundaries *hangs head*. I've been looking online and have discovered a plethora of information and advice on how to deal with her marking.

Ranging from: "take your dog for a walk to bond with her" (suggested on a vet's forum by a dog psychologist), "smack your dog until it cries" (suggested on a message board, by a moron) and my favourite, favourite comment of all "don't be mad, be happy, your dog is giving you important information about its health, its wellbeing and the bond it has with you" (suggested in an article by a vet).

The last comment has made me look at the whole issue in a completely different way. No longer do I grimace when i find that tell tale puddle in the morning, now I simply smile at her and think "awww, she's telling me something.."

I did raise it at work to see if any of my colleagues had any advice, most of them just looked blank (but then again they pretty much look blank most of the day) and gay male colleague suggested that its all my own fault for spoiling her.

This from a man who bought his cats a chaise lounge so they could be 'comfy'.

As I pointed out yesterday while redoing the buckles on my biker boots, its nice to know we're both living up to every stereotype.

In yet more other news I've seen my mother. Twice recently. Voluntarily.

And I even sort of enjoyed it. She was very nice to me and OMG (who came with me for moral support) and very nice to both dogs. She cooked us dinner, gave me some bath salts (I have no idea why, I think its an old person thing) and then very casually threw into the conversation randomly the following:

"I don't mind you being gay, I didn't handle it well at all for a long time and I'm sorry about that"

For a few moments I just sat in stunned silence and then shrugged, said it didn't matter and carried on with the conversation..

I've been thinking about it since.. mostly about the fact that all these years I've been waiting for her to say that and when she finally did, unprompted I might add, it almost.. well, actually it did, feel like a bit of an anti-climax.

*shrug*

In lots of situations in my life I've thought that if I could have only found the right words.. then things might somehow have been different.. and here one of them was, a situation I've imagined and re-imagined over the years, every possible way it might come about.. and then it did *shrug*

My mother doesn't mind me being gay apparently. This life changing (or so I thought) knowledge has made precisely no difference to my life at all. Or to me. I'm still just me.

Slightly too tall.. slightly awkward.. slightly clumsy.. slightly (still) too scruffy.. *sniffs* *checks shoes* and today slightly smelling of wee.

Bloody dog..

2008-07-01T08:40:00.001Z

So I am all moved now.. Me and the puplet are sharing a cottage in the outer reaches of north London with OMG and the doglet. The pups adore each other although not in 'that' way as the doglet had his knackers off a while back but they can generally be found either curled up together or getting into some kind of mischief.

Our cottage is a strange one. Built I think in the 18th century its wider at the back than at the front so both bedrooms have uneven walls. Its not that apparent at first but it does look like we were both trolleyed when arranging the furniture in our respective bedrooms..

Plus the odd bit of uneven floor and other period features has meant that for the first couple of weeks I was like a human pinball bouncing off walls and low ceilings.

The area where we live is very nice but its taken a little getting used to. When I leave the train station I feel like I've walked onto the set of Midsummer Murders as opposed to The Bill and after years of having no idea who my neighbours are there has been a steady procession of them popping round to introduce themselves. Our garden is relatively private given that it overlooks the village green with a row of tall trees ensuring that no one on the green can see me wandering about in my pyjamas at 6am while I let the dogs out. Unfortunately this row of trees is broken by the side gate and fence leading to my road so everyone of my neighbours can. And indeed they have!

The elderly man across the road has seen my bum (as I wandered through the kitchen wearing only a towel), the young bloke next door has seen my scary first thing in the morning hair and the retired couple in the house behind have seen my pants and possibly my frontage.

Not that I have turned into an exhibitionist btw.. its just remarkable how many people are out and about early in the morning, we have windows and the bathroom is downstairs and my room and therefore clothes are upstairs...

The coolest thing about our cottage is the bathroom. Its one of those designer ones with a kidney shaped bath which frankly is more like a swimming pool, a power shower, posh basin and my favourite bit of all: the ceiling is half glass. Really, not even a skylight, proper half glass so you can sit on the loo and look up at the sky.

I have checked it out and I'm pretty sure the only view into the bathroom is from my bedroom window and you'd need to be hanging half out of it to see anything.

I'm hoping that's the only view into the bathroom or else frankly the neighbours have seen more than just my pants.

*thinks*

Which may or may not explain the constant stream of them popping round to say hello...

2008-06-30T15:41:00.002Z

This is my current favourite advert....

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ErWwNyzQS-A

it gives me a happy..

2008-06-26T13:41:00.000Z

nope.. not dead.. just completely uninspired...

Have moved though.. and am now living in a very nice place complete with ducks by the garden gate.. I'm sure you can imagine how uni9mpressed the dogs are with that..

2008-04-02T14:09:00.001Z

.. there's all sorts happening at the moment which have meant I've been a bit too busy (and in some ways uninspired to blog.. although that's going to change shortly.. )

Edited highlights include:

Quitting my job
Unquitting my job
Packing up my stuff into boxes as I'm moving into a flat-share (no major reason other than its time for me to leave home..)

.. more to follow..

2008-02-13T11:28:00.002Z

Hurrah... hurrah.. and again I say hurrah!

Yes, Ashes to Ashes has finally started on the Beeb and I can now relive those fabulous 80s fashions but more importantly those fabulous 80s tracks and not on my own either... other people are talking about the 80s, people at work are no longer looking at me like I am crazy for my vocal love of 80s pop.. they are looking at me like I have been in on a big secret that they are only just now finding out about.. I have become their Yoda.

Actually that's not strictly true.. I have become their mp3 bitch as I appear so far to have most of the music played/mentioned etc..

But I don't care.. I am sharin' the love...

Anyway, work is still sucking.. I am now thinking seriously about leaving as I don't recall the last time I had a good day or more importantly anyone around me had a good day.. There's a part of me that thinks I should at least hang on until I'm through my probation but there's a bigger part of me that thinks I need to get out before that and chalk this one down to experience... Everyone is allowed at least one short term permanent appointment on their CV..

There's not much other news.. I mean, there's probably lots of other news but I never seem to be inspired enough to blog it these days.. between the work and the commute I seem to have lost my funny..

On a completely unconnected note everyone I know seems to be on Facebook... I'm tempted, but then I think... what if I end up on Facebook with no friends, or if people reject my friendship invitation, or if I accidentally invite a nutter..

Its just seems too complicated for my brain..

2008-01-25T11:38:00.000Z

News:

Christmas was completely lovely.. of course there was the odd thing that went a bit awry.. fanbelt snapping on the M4, developing a rotten cold (with complimentary coldsores) the day I finished work, ex wife's GSD deciding she was going to vomit all the way to Wales etc. but on the whole; a completely fabulous break...

Work still sucks.. two people have quit so far this year already and we're not even out of January. At this rate I shall be the boss/victim of a heart attack (delete as applicable) by March.

My puplet is a puplet no more. She is now a proper girl dog having come into season quite unexpectedly. Everyone keeps telling me not to be worried as its just like a period, which would explain why she is moping around and just wants to sit on the sofa with a hot water bottle and box of chocolates watching chick flicks.

She and I are currently ensconced at special friend's flat given that Max still has his knackers and was already looking at her in a sleazy way before she came into season. No doubt were we still there he'd be trying to tunnel under my door armed only with a frantic urge to do my puppy and she's far too young for any doing.

Special friend is very tidy. I am not. But its ok as we are both making concessions.. she sighs as opposed to pointing out my mess and I try to keep my overnight bag tidy and hidden under the bed. If that fails I am known to do a) a mean roast dinner and b) a divine back massage which tends to get me out of trouble for most things...

2007-12-20T12:40:00.000Z

Things I have learnt this year:

1. When I was growing up I always thought my ideal dog would be one of those large but gentle, faithful but independent, sociable but loyal big wolf/GSD type things. I never envisaged that my ideal dog would be a tiny little princessy spaniel thing. I can't quite explain the joy she gives me but she has been without a doubt one of the highlights of my year.

2. You are buggered if you don't have your health. Not only through breaking my arm and being somewhat debilitated from that, from seeing people I love struggle with bodies that are slowly rebelling against them. So I've learnt that although sometimes I creak and ache, its really nothing.

3. At the same time, the body and mind in tandem can be a wondrous thing and while sometimes one part of your body can literally take the legs from under you it can also regroup, heal and gain strength from nothing more than will and determination.

4. Work, life, commuting and money stresses are also nothing. Not really. Not compared to real problems. At various points this year I've re - evaluated my priorities as a result of seeing people I truly care for going through far more serious things. The simple things in life like going for a walk through the woods or laughing until I cry are the things that I should hold on to and remember, not what someone said or did three weeks ago last Thursday that irritated me or caused a problem at work.

5. Less chores, more fun. The shopping will get done in the end, the house will get cleaned in the end but the moments when the puppies discover a brand new thing and are full of wonder and make me smile, or the morning spent snuggling under the duvet, or the leisurly weekend breakfasts catching up with friends are things that I now try and make time for. We have dogs so the carpet will still need always need hoovering, its not a priority.

6. I am not as fat as I think I am.

7. Life is for living.

Merry Christmas all.

2007-12-05T14:40:00.000Z

Surely I shouldn't have days when I feel demoralised.... I've only been in this job a couple of months goddamit...

That's what happens when I listen to my colleagues.. I knew there was a reason I didn't engage too much with them. Apart from the fact that half of my staff act like 5 year olds sometimes and I find actually chatting with them just makes them worse... Yesterday I launched into a barrage of swearing mid afternoon and no one, but no one bothered me for the rest of the day which was rather lovely..

The 4 hours a day on average of travel are beginning to get to me though.. so I've decided that come the new year I might have a bit of a career rethink... I like aspects of my job but the politics (which is particularly bad here), the travel and the sheer volume of impossible things I have to do are beginning to make me think... I can do impossible.. I travelled across Spain on my own armed only with my trusty pocket phrasebook and a map of Andalucía in order to rent me, ex wife and sprogs a flat in a city we'd chosen at random.. (*shrug* well it seemed like as good a way as any to choose somewhere to live).. anyway, I can do stuff.. extraordinary stuff if I need to.. But trying to sort out an infinite amount of complex queries in a morning with three departments all insisting that theirs come first and then complaining when I can't do things that no human can is beginning to get a bit irritating.

Anyway, that's my morning whine out of the way..

Things of note and interest this week...

1. Kylie's track WOW is the best thing on her new album. It even made me smile last night on the tube.

2. when ex wife is bellowing "MMMMMMMMMAAXXXXX.. I'VE TOLD YOU TO STOP SNUFFLING ABOUT IN THERE..." at the dog, it doesn't mean he's got his head in the cupboard.. it actually means he's got it firmly rooted in the Misha's lady-bits.

I thought this was highly amusing until I realised that he never does it to my puppy and both of them are too young to be in season anyway... so I began to feel affronted on the puplet's behalf as I don't want her to be the one that gets over-looked by her bigger, brainier sister. Just because Misha is clever and can do all manner of tricks and Freya can't, doesn't mean she's stupid or as ex wife calls her 'dense'.

Its something we regularly argue about.. she is convinced that her dog is the brain of Britain and that my dog is dense, which incidentally isn't her fault apparently, its because she's a spaniel and they are all dense..

Last night we started to get into that argument again and I looked around furiously for some evidence to back up my assertions....

I looked over at Misha as she was sitting with her head cocked trying to work out how to undo the lock that now prevents her simply opening the baby gate any time she pleases and then I looked over at the puplet as she chased her tail with such speed that she propelled herself off the sofa and into the patio doors..

I don't like losing arguments... ex wife can be very smug...

3. Many years ago...

*waves* come back.. please come back..

Thank you, now I promise not to bore you with an other anecdote about my mis-spent youth.. honest.. anyway, the point is that many years ago I spent a few hours in the company of Christopher Biggins. I was working at some event and so was he. In fact there were lots of celebs there and most were very polite and pleasant. However standing head and shoulders above them all for sheer niceness, politeness and generosity of spirit was Biggins. A lovely man and I'm completely thrilled at his jungle triumph.

So there you go... no jokes, no punchline. Just a few words about a genuinely nice man.

2007-11-26T15:02:00.000Z

I was singing along to the tv on Saturday night.. probably the X Faxtor or some other such nonsense and while I was halfway throught the chorus my pupster looked up at me with big eyes full of wonder.

Me: "aw... she's saying 'mummy, you sing like an angel'"
Ex wife: "no, she's saying 'mummy, who's boiling the cat'"

2007-11-22T14:20:00.000Z

Ex wife has advised me that we actually have 16 goldfish not 26, the freshwater crabs, puffer fish and clam also died and it was an appalling oversight that I completely forgot to mention the loach and lobster in the current list of animals.

My commute home last night started at 5.45pm and ended when I walked in the door at 8.35pm.

Xmas can't come too soon...

2007-11-21T17:10:00.000Z

More Lazy Writing..

Mornin’.. or indeed, monring as I usually type. That’s not because of my hand, that’s because I have a mental block with some words such as ‘morning’, ‘mirror’ and ‘no’. The last two I can spell fine but one I can’t say properly and one I can’t say at all ;-)

Well, I still can't spell morning first time, I still can't pronounce the word 'mirror' but I can now say the word 'no'... Observe:

"no, I won't call my mother"
"no, I won't change the cat litter"
"no, I can't be arsed to tidy my room, that's why I pay girl sprog no 2 to do it"
"no, I am not growing my hair long again"

Obviously none of the above situations involve a woman but baby steps... Baby steps…

...our animal quota was nearly in single figures *thinks* 1 dog, 2 cats, 3 fish, 4 birds, 1 gerbil..

And at the time that sounded like so many… now we have 3 dogs (sometimes 4), 4 cats, 26 fish, 2 birds, 3 guinea pigs… *counts in head* yep, that's it.. *mumbles to self* snake escaped, gerbil killed, rabbit died, mice escaped or died… Yep, that's everything…

One of the nice things about the dog is that he’s not at all selfish or possessive about his stuff and doesn’t mind the cats sleeping in his cage or the doglet stealing his bone etc. Obviously it doesn’t make up for the fact that he likes to poo on the dining room dark wood floor which unfortunately is pretty much poo coloured. I’ll leave you to work out the consequences of that one.

Well, that all changed… the dog now hates sharing anything, especially his food. Sometimes we get bones for all of them and it boils his little brain as he runs about from bone to bone trying to warn the other dogs off and keep them all for himself. Which he manages to do for all of about 30 seconds before there is bellowing.. ".. MAX… MMMMAAAAXXXX..." He then sheepishly wonders into a corner throwing dirty looks at the other dogs while trying to get one last sniff of ex wife's thighs before going to sulk…

We still have a poo coloured floor and the increase in animals means that sensible people in my house wear shoes... People who don't tend to end up swearing at least every other day...

Anyway, I went on my own, chose stuff on my own and actually proper enjoyed mooching about at my own speed and doing my own thing. It was a definite eye opener as to just how much fun shopping can be on your own. Not that btw I don’t enjoy going with my bud or ex wife or anyone else but I really really enjoyed it. Except the whole trying to lug everything onto a trolley on my own and getting it to the car parts of the afternoon, those I could have lived without just fine.

I have, in the past year, mastered the art of shopping on my own… and one thing I have realised is that I really love spending time on my own.. Mainly because I'm excellent company but also because I am now spending up to 4 hours a day commuting so really it helps if it isn't a horrendous chore… Ive tried reading to pass the time but have now run out of books, I've tried listening to music but ditto, the London Paper only lasts so long and its rude to stare or try and engage people in conversation.

However I have it on good authority that Santa might be bringing me a PSP *claps hands together in girly excitement* a cottage and a PSP, how fantastic is my life..

Anyway, I am beyond excited if its true as often I end up playing a game on my PC (my current favourite Football Manager 08) and the next thing I know its 1am… And I know I need as much sleep as I can get… but I was about to beat Man U by 2 goals and I've just transfer listed my top players for critisising me in the press so I've got the fall out from that to deal with etc. etc.

Its addictive.. And I am hoping that my commute will seem so much shorter.. The downside of course is that I get so wrapped up in the game that I tend to not only forget the time but pretty much everything going on around me so the possibility of me missing my stop and ending up in the furthest reaches of the tube system are increased… Although I have re-planned my journey so if I do lose myself I won't end up in South London.

A girl has to have limits.

2007-11-20T16:11:00.000Z

As you all know, I have a diverse music collection. There are classics, there are obscurities, there are oldies, there are newies and if it was released in the 80s there's a strong likelihood I've got it.

I've got plenty of songs that are moving or emotional for one reason or another. I mean, I defy anyone to listen to Independence Day by Ani DiFranco or Close Watch by John Cale without feeling something. I've got other songs that put a smith on my face just with hearing them.

But every so often comes along a song that just… moves me. I can't really explain it better than that other than to say that it's a song that doesn't make me feel sad or happy as such. It doesn't bring back a smile or remind me of an old wound. It just… moves me. Makes me feel.

In the case of some, I can even remember where I was when I heard it for the first time...
Summer 1999, evening... St Stephens Green, Dublin… John Cale, Close Watch
Winter 2000, daytime, Boston Arms, North London… Dolores Keane, The Island
Winter 2004, evening, sitting at my pc, Stockton… Mathilde Santing, Here There and Everywhere
Last Friday, 6.30pm... Hammersmith and City Line heading Eastbound…. Morrissey, Come Back To Camden.

Come Back To Camden

There is something I wanted to tell you, It's so funny you'll kill yourself laughing
But then I, I look around, And I remember that I am alone, Alone. For evermore

The tile yard all along the railings, Up a discoloured dark brown staircase
Here you'll find, despair and I, Calling to you with what's left of my heart, My heart, For evermore

Drinking tea with the taste of the Thames, Sullenly on a chair on the pavement
Here you'll find, my thoughts and I, And here is the very last plea from my heart
My heart. For evermore, Where taxi drivers never stop talking
Under slate grey Victorian sky, Here you will find, despair and I
And here I am every last inch of me is yours, Yours, For evermore

Your leg came to rest against mine, Then you lounged with knees up and apart
And me and my heart, we knew, We just knew, For evermore

Where taxi drivers never stop talking, Under slate grey Victorian sky
Here you'll find, my heart and I, And still we say come back, Come back to Camden
And I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good

2007-11-15T10:08:00.000Z

Gratuitous puppy picture...

2007-11-14T10:17:00.000Z

I can't be bothered to quote anything today… just know that my god I was funny last year…

One of the interesting things for me has been to read back and see what I was up to on a day to day basis… and know that a year on things aren't too much different which is kinda comforting…

Last night it took me two and a half hours to get home from work due to the unpredictability of the Underground and assorted bus services. By the time I did get in it was to a chorus of cheers and a cup of tea which was rather nice. Both things. And I got a lap full of happy to see me dogs which is always nice. I gave the puplet extra cuddles last night as one of the kittens got locked in my room and did a poo which none of us could find not me, not ex wife, not girl sprog no 2, no one. So yesterday ex wife took the puplet up to my room and she located it in about two minutes and she didn't even try and eat it.. I was very proud.. My puppy.. The poo wrangler..

And I know that ex wife's GSD can actually open the back door and the baby gate and she's younger but my puppy can locate poo. Not every dog can do that. *thinks* oh actually, they probably can…

Anyway, I'm a Celeb was fantastic of course. The addition of Katie Hopkins is a wonderful thing but I was most surprised that she didn't end up being voted to do the Bushtucker Trial. So was ex wife who pointed out that I was going to paying the phone bill when it comes in.

She was in a good mood last night, I could tell as she was commenting on the adverts especially that one where all the really famous rich people shop at Morrisons (yeah right…).. Lulu said "guess what I want for Christmas" ex wife replied "more botox".

The other reason I knew she was in a good mood was there was only minimum bellowing at the dogs. At one point her two jumped on her lap and I swear I heard her giggle at being buried under such a big pile of dogs but I don't she's actually physically capable of making that sound so perhaps I was mistaken.

The reason for her mood was that she re-wired the little sprogs room. Not only did she re-wire it but she moved the power points and the light switch and generally has made it into a much more practical space. Now I know that ex wife is pretty handy around the house but when she said she was going to embark on this epic task I did envisage months of her looking at the skirting and scratching her head but no… it was only two weeks of looking at the skirting and scratching her head.

I made all sorts of helpful suggestions during this period: "why don't you get someone in to do it", "you are going to do it while I'm at work aren't you", "try not to burn the house down in an electrical fire and remember the puppies are more importantand portable than the electrical goods", why don't you just NOT do it"… etc. etc.

This is the woman who re-wired a static caravan, plumbed in a proper toilet and then in a moment of boredom built a kitchen on the side of it so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.

She also once while camping cooked pasta using only a flowerpot and a carrier bag. I have no idea how or even why but it’s a true story.

Anyway, while watching Celebrity she was convinced that the producers should have taken her to the jungle. Pointing out that while Anna Ryder Richardson might well make the camp look prettier she'd have powerpoints and mood lighting wired up in very bunk by the end of the first day.

This morning she cheerfully asked me if I wanted any of my power points moving or my lighting re done etc. etc. I declined as my lighting is quite functional as it is.

I did text her when I got to work as whilst her offer of such grand DIY work in my room was generous I would have settled this morning for her telling me my zip was open.

2007-11-13T14:43:00.001Z

Katie Hopkins has gone into the jungle… oh thank you god!!

2007-11-12T15:22:00.000Z

Nov 10 06

The place where I went yesterday is MOD property and so I had to hand in my mobiles, get photographed and generally feel like a bit of a criminal as soon as I got there. I probably didn’t help myself by responding when asked conversationally by the security people if I’d been on MOD property before… "yes, Greenham Common when I was 17 but that time I didn’t have permission". I probably made things worse by saying that it wasn’t as if I’d danced on a silo or anything like that and it wasn’t as if I’d been arrested or anything…

Ah.. How I miss those long motorway drives to far flung places.. Or not actually. I mean, the first time I went to Bristol it was a lot of fun and a nice jolly, especially with the mileage rates I was being paid but after a while it did get a bit wearing… I also learnt that no matter how exciting it may be to visit a laboratory the first time, it will take days for the smell to leave your nostril. And I never, ever got used to the smell of botulism in the mornings...

I went out to dinner with a couple of colleagues on Weds after work and had a really good laugh and then went on to group and had a lot of fun. I’m not always sure that I’m supposed to and I am always respectful of other people and their stories but occasionally I find myself wanting to lighten the mood a bit and luckily there are a few others there with a similar sense of humour and lets face it, if someone is going to end a story with the word dental it would just be plain wrong for me not to have gone "damn" straight after…

Ah, the discussion group.. Which reminds me that I haven’t been for months.. And months… I keep meaning to but then it starts to look a bit parky outside and then my puplet comes and sits on my lap or ex wife plonks dinner in front of me or special friend snuggles up to me or….etc….or… See? See how hard it is to go..

At that time I was working in a publishers as a production editor. There were five of us in the office, the production manager (such as he was), me, our typesetter (who was lovely until she was premenstrual and then she was evil), the circulation manager (a very very sexy and funny woman) and the production assistant (an 18 guy with the biggest crush on the circulation manager and unfortunately for him completely uncontrollable erections whenever she looked at him in a sexy way, which of course once she found out, she did regularly).

Aw.. That's one of my favourite stories from working there.. I spent years on and off at the same publishers and those people became my friends and my family for a while.. It was sad when I finally left there, especially as it was under a bit of cloud… one of the other lesbians who worked there told my straight boss, who was at that time close friends with both of us, that I was secretly in love with her and had been for years. I didn't find this out until a few months later when I'd left. There are downsides to having a close friendship with your boss, especially when it goes tits up and she stops talking to you.

Anway, several months later I got an apologetic phone call whereby she explained her strange behaviour. She'd finally worked out after lesbian colleague had split with her long term partner, wangled an invite to stay in her spare room and eventually made a pass at her that perhaps it might not have been me that was secretely in love with her.

Tsk.. Some people are so stupid. I could have told her that at the time.

As I pointed out to her later, a) lesbian colleague had been slavering over her for years and b) at that time I didn't do blondes, straight women or my friends.

*thinks* ah..that's why life was so much simpler in my 20s..

2007-11-08T10:29:00.000Z

"Plus you can do things with nails that you can’t do without them and I’m not just talking back-scratching here.. "

I still have longish nails.. The ones on my right hand reached a ridiculous length when I broke my elbow as any movement on my hand such as nail clipping, touch or a feather landing on it sent shooting pains up my forearm and made me feel like someone was taking a hammer to my funny bone. And I can really whine for England. So I've been told. By more than one person.

"I’m talking about all the things you can do around the house with nails. Like finding the end of the sellotape, or trying to do up a clasp on a necklace. Not that I need to do those things often, but its nice to know I can. I texted ex wife to tell her that if she needed the end of the sellotape finding, I was her woman. She said thanks but she was happy using a Stanley knife *shrug*."

I've still not been asked to use my nails in any useful capacity around the house but then again I'm not generally asked to do anything useful around the house. Mainly because DIY is not really my thing. I do cook more than I used to so I don't feel too bad. Besides ex wife is much better at that stuff than I am, although I did solve the logistical problem of how to prop up a newly plastered architrave once with a filing cabinet and a broom. No, really. Ex wife is currently trying to sort out the little sprogs room by putting up shelving. You might remember the crumbling plaster and fragile shelving event of last year but undeterred last week she put some more up. That promptly fell off the wall. After much standing with her hand son her hips and one trip to the shop for a bottle of wine and after several hours there are now sturdy shelves on his wall. I've got no idea how she's done it, I asked and she just tapped her nose and said "tempranillo". I'm not sure if this means she used the wine in some kind of physical way to bind the plaster maybe, but having looked at the shelves and popped a sprit level on them I think the only place it went was in her mouth.

"It was actually pretty traumatic as for quite a lot of it I was stuck in a car with two people who I knew were the dead undead etc but weren’t exhibiting any symptoms so I didn’t feel I could challenge them or even try and get out of the car without causing offence. Which is on the one hand very polite but on the other completely bloody stupid. Its really quite sad to think that I may well meet an unpleasant end as I’ll be too busy trying not to offend people to notice that I’m about to be murdered."

I am a manager now, instead of reasoning with them I would send them on a stress management course and/or give them a verbal warning.

"Anyway, I didn’t fall back asleep into the same dream. In fact I’m not sure if I did actually dream anything else last night. I do know that I was lying in bed this morning merrily ignoring my alarm and dozing as I’d convinced myself it was Saturday. It wasn’t until 8am that I realised it wasn’t and spent 15 minutes running about like a mad woman getting showered, dressed, doing all the hair and face stuff and then just as I was about to leave the house ex wife made me a coffee so I promptly sat down again."

For some reason recently I've been convinced at least once a week that it’s a day earlier than it really is. This morning as I was discussing schedules etc with my staff I was convinced it was Wednesday and managed to convince one of them it was too. She was extremely relieved to find it was Thursday and therefore one day nearer to the weekend. I was disappointed as it means less time to do the things I need to do by Friday. This is the downside of management. (See above Zombie issue for upside. )

"Our sofa has been re-covered in wood effect lino. And really, it is not only a sight to behold but it actually really really works. I mean, it takes a few minutes to get your head around it when you walk in the door but its really quite a piece of art as opposed to a sofa. She said it would work and we all laughed and yet… Its art. Its wood but it isn’t."

Ah.. The wooden sofa… which ended up outside our back gate only last week. We finally ran out of room and justifications for having it. But despite the scorn and disgust it has received from assorted family members over the years, guess how long it lasted outside? Go on, guess… gone within 8 hours.. To a new and hopefully loving home. And it wasn't even taken at night either, someone proudly skip dove our sofa.. In daylight! Ex wife is now very smug and desperately looking for more furniture to re-cover.. I'm getting a lock for my bedroom door as I just know I'll come home one day to a wood effect or leopard skin bed. Or wardrobe. Or ceiling. Or puplet.

Here is a reminder of our sofa.

And Bad Cat, who is still a cat and still bad.

2007-11-07T15:02:00.000Z

Blimey, I was prolific last year… and yes, I know its lazy writing to just repeat myself but I thought I'd give it a go and see how many days I can do it for..

"This morning I woke up completely refreshed after a lovely nights sleep. Now, I don’t often say that do I? I am back on the futon chair thing that I brought with me from up north that is fine for the odd night but not designed for long term use and since Friday I’ve not been able to sleep particularly well as between the chair and the gerbil I’ve spent half the night awake."

Ah.. All those differing types of bed.. I now have a proper grown up double bed. And now just a mattress on the floor either, no it’s a proper pine bed with legs and everything! It hasn't always worked out well with the wooden floor though as it tends to move about a foot if I turn over in the middle of the night. My special friend tends to fling herself about and don't even get me started on what happens when the puplet does that spinning round thing before she goes to sleep.. Some mornings I wake up and the bed has moved several feet and is pointing in a different direction. Of course ex wife had the answer "cut some squares off the kitchen flooring and stick them under the legs". Our kitchen flooring btw is industrial rubber, I'm not sure where it came from, all I know is that one day I came home from work and there was a new floor in the kitchen and she was talking to the dogs "go on then, wee on that and see what happens.. Ha! Nothing! Ha!". From what I've subsequently gathered, someone she knew was fitting out a nightclub and had some spare flooring. Its supposed to be vomit, cigarette and alcohol proof. Which covers most eventualities in my house.

Anyway, the point is it was brilliant advice, and it worked!

Just a shame she only mentioned it last Sunday evening.... 9 months after I got the bed.

"...but slept straight through to my alarm. Or rather to ex wife bellowing in the kitchen at the dog for cocking his leg the moment she took his ninja belt off and trying to water the laundry basket"..

Ex wife still bellows a lot. Mainly at the dogs and mainly at Max but he seems to have been cured of the wee-ing up the furniture now. The boy sprogs re-named him Sleazy as he does have an awful habit of sidling up to people silently and poking them with his nose or as one evening last week following ex wife around all evening sniffing her thighs. Turns out that we were all doing him a bit of a diservice as she'd just cooked some roast chicken, wshed her hands and in the absence of a tea towel (her puppy likes to steal them for a blankie) had wiped her hands on her trousers. All evening she was bellowng at him to stop perving at her when it was actually her roast chicken enfused trousers he was after. "ha!" I said.. "and there were you thinking you were some big sex magnet when in truth you just smell of chicken".

You know when something sounds perfectly reasonable in your head... and then you say it out loud..

*silence*

Anyway, Max's new thing is barking. A lot. Our neighbours have a great big old retriever that lives in the garden and guards their shed. He's a lovely dog, if a bit bonkers and exciteable. Most mornings he comes and barks up at a gap in the fence and then Max goes and has a bark back and then cocks his leg and tries to wee in his eye. Which leads to more barking, more weeing, more barking etc. I'm sure they'd be the best of friends if they ever actually met but Max isn't great with other dogs that he does't know in a rear-sniffing context and I only ever see the neighbours dog running past our house late at night with an owner being dragged behind him. The fact that he only seems to walk him late at night suggests two things to me, either a) he's a very exciteable dog and should therefore only be walked at night when there are less people/dogs around or b) my neighbour is a vampire.

*thinks*

Hmm.. Now I'm really curious about what's in that shed…

2007-11-06T15:09:00.000Z

Oh I do like flicking back through my blog... this time last year:

"...my broken tooth as I’ve still not gone to the dentist and it hurts. *pathetic voice* ow.."

Well, its 12 months on and I still have a broken tooth. In fact I have one a half broken teeth as the one from last year is a bit bigger and the new one is just a little chip so far.. Yes, yes, I know… but its only now that I have a proper job and all that I can think of such frivolities as dentists...

"Anyway, it was nice to wake up in such a big room. The only real downside is that the rodents (gerbil and mouse) are in with me as the little room is a bit too small for them as well as the snake, sproglet, doglet when he’s here etc. etc. it isn’t the mess or the space or anything like that, its simply that I happen to have the most active gerbil on the entire planet. Remember how I chose the one who was at the front nutting the glass, running about and generally being a bright, happy sociable little ball of energy. Well, if anything he has gotten worse. I lay there Saturday morning at about 7am watching his little gerbil house move from one side of his cage to the other and back again for about 10 minutes before sleep or rather exhaustion thankfully claimed me again."

Of course.. The great room move. Actually I'm still in the big room, although now the only in habitants are me, my puplet and the doglet when he stays over. The snake disappeared under the floorboards one day when his tank lid wasn't secured properly, ex wife didn't tell me this at the time preferring to lie and tell me that it had died. It wasn't until much later I found out that it had potentially been slithering all over me during the night or at the very least listening to me sleep in a pervy way from under the floorboards. It took some time for the horror of that discovery to wear off I can tell you. Ayway, 9 months later and I am assuming its dead. Or its been eating mice, insects etc and is huge *thinks* no, its dead. Definitely dead.

Obviously my room is much quieter generally without my poor little dearly-missed Valiant, unless its firework night for several days on end and my puppy is unsettled *rubs very tired eyes*… grrrrr.

"...OMG came round to drop the doglet off and stayed for dinner. Obviously our dog was beside himself again until the doglet started to physically display his recent upset tummy by leaving tiny little deposits everywhere. Particularly every time he got excited about something. Which given that he’s about 16 weeks old and loves people, other dogs, food, the tv, the carpet etc which was about every two minutes."

Funnily enough OMG dropped the doglet off this morning as we are having him overnight for the next couple of days. He doesn't leave little deposits anywhere any more as he is a big strapping man-dog now and is house trained. We have my puplet and ex wife's pup for those kind of things. Its interesting but my puplet and the doglet tend to pair up when they're together. I am not sure if it’s a cavvy thing but they are a little team. Sometimes I watch with a fond smile as they play together with ex wife's dog. They think if they jump on her at the same time they are more likely to win that particular game. Often that works... right up until she stands up and wanders around with one of them hanging off each ear like big furry clip on earrings

I wonder when the excitement of living wears off for pups. The doglet is on the whole much more grown up these days although sometimes he wags his tail so much he can't actually walk as his whole back half is moving. But I miss his really puppy days... my puplet gets so excited in the morning when she wakes up, she runs about sometimes widdling with excitement and sometimes doing tiny little yaps, all because we're awake and it’s a brand new day and its fabulous… ex wife's pup also gets excited. Her size and the fact that her GSD face maeks her look so grown up its easy to forget that she too is a puppy... until she wees herself with excitement and we all have to reach for our wellingtons or if she's particularly excited, a canoe and then if we're really lucky she starts to bounce around like a hippo on springs with no sense of steering or more importantly braking.

I love ex wife's pup. Not as much as my own, obviously, but I do love her. In fact I love all our dogs, Max, the pups, the doglet. There's something quite joyful about being a dog owner..

"However, I did my fair share of cleaning up as opposed to simply distracting ex wife by suddenly pointing at the window and saying "wow, look at that" before quickly leaving the room whenever there’s a brown incident."

Ah.. Well, when its your own puppy having a brown incident on the living room floor its not particularly polite to do the same thing.

Apparently.

Tsk, some people are so so picky…

2007-11-06T09:54:00.000Z

Ah Christmas... the lights are up, the ads are on, the lists are being made and its all anyone can talk about in my office...

But this year I am not avoiding eye contact, I am not changing the subject, I am not hating this run up like I usually do...

Because I've got a cottage!!!

Yep, I'm still in raptures about my Christmas plans. It does seem that planning and actually knowing that I'm going to be away for Christmas makes all the stuff that usually drives me bonkers much more bearable.

Whilst everyone else will be cooking, entertaining, cleaning, tidying etc, I shall be wandering on a beach with my puppy. In truth I will be doing some stuff as I have volunteered to do all the cooking on the day itself which is only fair as its about time ex wife had a Christmas off and I actually really like cooking for small groups of people. Its just when it gets into double figures that I have a problem... Also, volunteering to cook means I can be in charge of dinner which in turn means no more yucky turkey or duck. Oh no, this year its roast beef. With all the Christmas trimmings obviously!

The only tiny little issue I'm having now is finding car hire. Ex father in law will need the car and lets be honest, 4, possibly 5 people and at least 3 dogs and all our luggage aren't going to fit in a Fiesta. The two issues I'm having are that in most places I need to book it for 10 days as opposed to 7 due to Christmas closures and I don't have a credit card. One of the friends who is coming does have but she doesn't drive so finding somewhere that'll let me drive and her lodge her card as deposit is tricky. They do exist but they are incredibly expensive.

I'm not too worried as yet because I'm pretty sure we'll sort something out in the next week or so because this IS going to be a perfect Christmas dammit and NOTHING is going to spoil it... We've found a cottage and we are going to get there.

Even if we all have to walk.

Barefoot.

2007-10-26T10:13:00.000Z

I overslept yesterday morning.. 7.25 I woke up and yet I was still back to my house, showered and changed within half an hour. The puplet was very confused as I carried her to car while she was still pretty much sleeping and the next thing she knew she was back in our living room getting some serious love from ex wife's puppy. I say puppy, given her size and the length of her legs perhaps foal might be a more accurate description.

If she was an actual horse that is, as opposed to just being the size of one.

I also managed to forget firstly my travelcard and then my jumper and by the time I'd said goodbye to ex wife and little sprog for the third time I didn't get a 'goodbye' or a 'have a nice day' back. I got an 'are you sure' and a 'yeah right'.

I was so tired I even bought a coffee from the shop at the tube that often has mouldy sandwiches so from a personal safety respect I don't like to shop there but I figured by this point I was so sleepy that a bout of salmonella or botulism might at the very least wake me up.

Suffice to say I was infected with neither as today I am at work, well and for some reason surprisingly bouncy and upbeat. Not that these days I'm not a happy bunny generally but today I feel quite on form..

Mind you, I have been un since 6.30 and am on my *thinks* 3rd coffee.. the fear of oversleeping again meant that I underslept today but no matter as its nice to get into work early..

My exciting news this week is that me and ex wife have bought a tent. Not because of the over-crowding at our house but because it was only £15 at the magic car boot. We figured that it might have a few bits missing or at the very least be a bit worn but no.... its not only brand new... its not only complete.. but its also a three bedroom dome tent which retails for well over £100... Obviously we came straight back on Sunday and promptly put it up in the garden.. and given that its been a few years since we put up a tent together I was extremely impressed at the fact that we had it up within 40 minutes with no arguments.

Its a strange arrangement for us as inside its got three detachable bedrooms and a huge living space. Plus you don't have to crawl in on your hands and knees to get inside. You can just walk in! upright! with no bending!

Obviously it all went a bit wrong when the dogs were let into the garden as they just thought it was a fantastic new play house and promptly ran from room to room, rebounding off the inner and getting stuck under the groundsheet.

Before the chaos commenced we both sat inside... proudly looking about at our handiwork... smelling the familiar 'tent' smell.. looking up at our canvas canopy and whistfully remembering how we went camping in Scotland in November back in '97.. "ah..." ex wife sighed contentedly... "just being in here makes me feel cold and wet and hungry already..."

We both drifted away on that memory.. sharing anecdotes... the cold days, the freezing nights, tossing a coin as to who was going to boil some water for tea, steeling ourselves for a midnight pee in the equally freezing toilet block...

Within 15 minutes the tent was away and we were both back in the warmth of the living room...

2007-10-17T09:11:00.000Z

Oh thank you heavenly powers that look down upon me.

Only if you're female and Gaia, like. If you're something more akin to that whole hippie-dude with the odd family set up then forget I said anything as technically I don't actually believe in you.

I've found a cottage! *claps hands together in proper girly excitement*

For a moment there I reminded myself of my friend Simon in the local park back in '87.

Anyway, I have found (or rather ex wife did) a dog-friendly, in fact as near to dog-complulsory as you can get without getting told off under some kind of anti positive action legislation, cottage in South Wales. Its got all mod cons, its not hideously expensive and I don't have to give them my kidney as a damage deposit unlike everywhere else.

I've found that often as soon as you tell people you are bringing a dog/dogs you might as well just say that you intend to burn the property down when you leave given the panic that seeps into their voices and the sudden increase in deposit.

But ha! I don't care any more.. keep your shed, keep your caravan.

I've found a cottage! *claps hands together in proper girly excitement*

2007-10-15T12:50:00.000Z

Ex wife pointed out the other day that my blog just isn't funny any more. Not that she thinks that I'm not funny any more, just that my blog has lost some of the wit and humour that it used to have. Luckily for me though she managed to pinpoint the reason and then helpfully suggested a way I can improve.

"your problem is you don't quote me enough" ... ... "you need to quote me more".

One again I find myself thinking how I would make my way through life if not for her, although strangely its her voice saying "what would you do without me" in my head.

*shrug*

The house is busy these days. Girl sprog no 1 has moved her family (including the teeny sprog, the teeny tiny little sprog and some days her partner who may or may not be her ex.. we're not sure and I'm not convinced that they are either) into the front room, she also managed to bring a fair amount of other stuff including furniture, clothes, her foul temper and assorted animals. As a result the kitchen diner (which although big, is seeming smaller by the day) is being used as the living room/kitchen/occasional bedroom.

Ex wife was moaning this morning that it feels like being in a caravan but I pointed out that the ceiling would be lower if that was the case. Also there are no cows poking their nose up against the window, we don't have to put our shoes and coat on to go for a wee and last time I looked there wasn't a meter on the shower demanding 50p before it would release approximately 5 minutes worth of hot water, but it might be less depending on the colour of the sea and moon phase.

I really do think that campsite showers are the most unpredictable things on the planet. Even more so than women. They (showers) never run for the same length of time twice and can go from a gorgeous jet of hot water that's a delight to be immersed in to nothing more than a lukewarm dribble in a second. And then back again... Mind you, when someone puts the dishwasher or washing machine on while I'm having a shower, its an eerily similar experience.

I've always thought that the Spanish way of doing campsite showers is best, no charge at all and unlimited time. I would rather pay more for the site itself than have to retrace my footsteps at 7am in a muddy field trying to find the token I've just lost.

I've gone off at a tangent but these things are on my mind as we've decided to get away this Christmas. Ex wife is fed up with cooking for 350 people and I am fed up with picking them all up and dropping them off again. Actually not that I did that last year, or the year before.. but you know what I mean. The threat of having to do it is there and I only need to cast my mind back to my pre-northern living days to remember what it was like.

Basically we are both fed up with big family Christmases. Loads of people, loads of stress and so me, her, the little sprog and our pups are going away. The other sprogs have all declined the offer citing work, partners etc as valid reasons, plus they are all in their 20s now so they can look after themselves. Ex wife is already planning being tipsy (or as she actually put it: 'slaughtered') by 10am on Christmas Day so I've offered to cook. I have a mate who might be joining us too which will be nice as a) I can split the peeling etc duties and b) I'll have someone coherent to speak to.

I can't say how much we are looking forward to it. We've been planning when we're actually going, how we're going (logistically several dogs, people and luggage might be a bit tricky), what we're both going to do on the day with all the free time we'll have, the long walks in the country after dinner etc. etc. How Boxing Day won't be spent either avoiding the state of the kitchen or doing something about the state of the kitchen etc. etc.

The rest of the family are currently either planning their own Christmasses or in a state of panic that they can't come to us, particularly the elderly rellies who as we have pointed out can go to ex-wife's sister. Its been quite interesting seeing the reactions of everyone at the thought that this year they'll have to do it for themselves..

The only teeny, tiny, lickle, itty-bitty small detail is that we haven't actually got anywhere to stay.

Its proving to be a bit tricky finding somewhere that'll sleep 4, possibly 6 and who won't mind three dogs (two small, one big) but I am on a mission and I am sure that there must be somewhere in the UK that can accommodate us. So far I've managed to come up with a couple of holiday chalets (as you can only have 2 dogs per chalet) in Norfolk and a shed on the Isle of Bute.

Or a caravan.

Balls.

RIP

2007-10-04T16:16:00.000Z

My Nova has finally gone to the great scrapyard in the sky.

Actually its really just gone up the North Circ to a local one but you know what I mean.

It didn't break down, it didn't conk out, it didn't die at the traffic lights, it wasn't rear ended by some daft tart in a 4x4 or an underage drunken driver. Nope, it didn't meet as normal an end as any of them.

It was broken into, the battery stolen, and consequentlly written off by my insurance company as apparently the cost to repair the damage is more than the car is worth.

So, in summary, my car is worth less than a door lock and a new battery.

My insurance company are currently trying to work out how much it is actually worth so they can make me an offer but given that my excess is £120 I'm wondering if at this rate I'll be owing them.

The good news though is that ex father in law has lent me back my Fiesta which I swapped him for a laptop last year. And, oh how I am falling in love with it all over again.. power steering, comfy seats, all mod cons.. *happy sigh*... why oh why did I ever sell it..

I'll obviously have to give it back at some point soon but I am wondering if I buy him enough wine and give him encouragement, would he drink enough to impair his memory and therefore forget he actually has a car... hmm... definitely worth thinking about..

Driving it again has brought back some nice memories. Mainly the one whereby I drove it and my remaning possesions back to London, but there is the odd one from the north; driving in snow, kangarooing around Billingham when the timing was buggered, climbing in through the boot when the door locks all broke at once, the time the brakes failed etc. etc.

*thinks* oh yeah, that's why I sold it.. I wanted a laptop, it was a bit shit.

However, with the benefit of experience, hindsight and ex father in law spending much money on it, I reserve the right to change my mind.

2007-09-28T13:51:00.000Z

I am loving my new job. Although I did say that when I started my last job and look how that changed..

However so far, the people are great, the environment is very nice too. There's a Cafe Nero type place on the floor below me so there's a constant stream of good coffee within a few steps and there's a restaurant and all manner of other things too. Including my staff. Of course they are making an effort, as am I, but I do get the feeling and the feedback that they are all essentially good people. Plus I do like to say things like "firm but fair, that's me" loudly and within their range of hearing..

Only joking, I am a right soft touch but I've always found that works a treat and people are much less likely to take the p*ss if they like me and I get on with them. So that's my management strategy: bribe them and buy them. And then once they are comfortable and relaxed... introduce the framework for change!

So apart from the new job, what have I been up to? *thinks*

Well, in the three weeks since leaving my last job there was some fretting at the lack of full time employment and some Jeremy Kyle. Mostly though there was assorted working for my bro and other stuff. I did get to the point where I wondered if I'd actually have any time to fit in a full time job around work, Jeremy 'Eyes of Satan' (his words not mine) Kyle, playing with the puplet (oh come on, I am 5 paragraphs in and its my first mention), watching films and I would like to point out here that not one of them was filth-based L-Word type stuff as I have evolved and am now much more mature... what else, oh and playing lots of PC games (Red Faction, Call of Duty 2 and Nightfire). Although the little sprog does tend to finish each game in less than a day while I am running about trying not to get myself dead on level three several days after I've started. One day I will actually finish a game as opposed to just starting a new one when it all gets a bit difficult...

Anyway, I had imagined that it would be quite sedentary to be not working but it turned out to the busiest three weeks of the year so far but I did find time to do practical stuff like tidy up my room and make it all lovely, do all manner of housekeeping and organisational things on my laptop etc.

The puplet continues to bring me joy... that and my shoes... and my pants... although sometimes she runs off with them as it is apparently *air quotes* funny in puppy-land to run off with mummy's knickers and hide them.

Yesterday I got notification of my holiday allowance which was beyond exciting as I haven't had any paid holiday for the last year while temping. Not only do I get the standard 25 days but also a week at Easter and a week at Xmas too. Oh and there's sick pay, cycle scheme, private healthcare, pension and all the other benefits that as a lowly temp I am not used to. I keep having to remind myself that yes, actually I can stay here longer than the three months usual temp contract, especially when they are talking about schedules, workloads etc in terms of next year and in 9 months time etc..

So all in all life is kind of nice at the moment. Everything is still lovely with my special friend, lovely, nice, relaxed and unstressed. She doesn't even mind when the puplet tries to wake her up if we both stay over by attempting to try and dig her out from under the duvet as I am tiptoing about trying to be quiet at ridiculously early times.

I know I haven't blogged much about her but that's because a) she's a very private person and b) I like having stuff that's just for me.

Bad Cat appears to have moved out. Although he's moved out in the same way that girl sprog no 2 and boy sprog no 2 have moved out in as much as that he's always round but he doesn't sleep here any more.

I think its the dogs. he really hates them, especially as there are now three and with the doglet sometimes four chasing him about. The other cat (previously the kitten but we've got two actual kittens now and its getting confusing) loves the dogs and plays with them for hours on end but Bad Cat was spending almost all his time living on top of the fishtank and that's no life for a cat.

Despite my earlier comment regarding boy sprog no 2, this weekend he moves to the other side of the country to go to Uni. Its a bit sad in some ways as much as he drives me mad sometimes with his booming voice and insistance that anyone who complains about his motorbike(s) being in pieces all over the garden is unreasonable. And that its perfectly safe to try and weld an exhaust using the cooker hob.... *scratches head* ... its funny but all the things that annoy me about him are the things I think I will miss the most.. *sniff*

In other sad news, for those of you who have followed this blog for a bit, I regret to tell you that Valiant the gerbil died recently after a short illness. And when I say illness, I really mean 'fight'.

Bad Cat ate him.

2007-09-15T08:09:00.000Z

So there I was looking forward to being unemployed.

Mornings full of Jeremy Kyle and sitting on the sofa, wearing yesterdays clothes and not washing. It hasn't exactly gone to plan.

The downside of being a temp is that sometimes you can find yourself with only a couple of weeks notice and no updated CV, especially if you've been somewhere for a long time. The upside is that you can just wander off if you get stale or bored. Within a day of my new dole-bludger status I had an interview. Within two days I had a ton of work to do for my bro which has involved going back to the same building I've been working in for the past year (as spookily he has an office in the same building) although I've got to say the toilets, kitchen and leftovers from corporate catering are much superior on his floor.

And then yesterday I heard back from the interview last week and I have the job.

A big posh, shiny, wellpaid one at that. With holiday pay and pensions and everything. I am a Senior Finance Officer (with staff). I am adding the 'with staff' thing in verbal brackets when I tell people about my new job is as it makes it sound even more posh and shiny. I start a week on Monday so I've only got one more week of Jeremy Kyle but between working for my brother and other stuff I might not get to see it every day which means missing out on DNA results and lie detectors and relatives shouting at each other and all the other things that make up this fine programme.

Really though I like to watch it for the 'there but for the grace of god' thing it makes me feel.

Not that I've ever actually wanted to shag my siblings partners. Or parents.

In other news my puppy is still adorable. Its true that having a dog is a great social talking point. When we are out and about many people like to coo over her and pet her and I like any proud parent revel in this. Obviously there are people who just walk past us without any comment and I do have a compulsion to run after them shouting 'look at my puppy, isn't she cute, comment on it you bastard' but I am restraining myself so far.

2007-08-30T09:34:00.000Z

Some people think we have too many animals.

Clearly not fate or whoever does control the planet (and if you've ever read John Varley then you'll understand when I say that I kind of hope its Cirocco and Gaby) doesn't.

Monday night: skin and bone elderly cat in need of food, comfort, probable vet treatment, but mainly love is found outside back gate. Now living in my room for the next few days until we know if she's going to make it prior to getting probable tumour on back leg biopsied. (initial vet assessment was: she's not in any pain but is very weak, might need putting down).

Wednesday night: girl sprog no 1's fiance finds two kittens, about 4-5 weeks old abandoned down the road. Now living in little sprogs room until they are old enough to socialise with rest of zoo prior to re-homing.

We appear to now be a cat sanctuary. Donations welcome.

On the job front I have a couple of interviews coming up and I'm still waiting to hear about another one. So still not worried! I'm sure the panic will eventually kick in and my head will explode, probably next week but in the meantime I am enjoying the feeling that the unknown is exciting, as opposed to terrifying.

In other news I've also had my hair cut. And its not just any hair cut. For years now I've had an assortment of bobs, long and short and whilst its been good for work, on a personal level its just not felt like… well.. Me.

So I've had something a little more radical done and now, with a little wax and a lot of styling I can have the choice on a daily basis of a (long) hoxton fin, a fillet or a fauxhawk. Everyone seems to think it’s a) suits me and b) makes me look younger, both of which are rather nice. Anyway, I know it’s a bit of a risky strategy to have my hair cut radically when I am interviewing for jobs, but I still wear a bit of make up and I've still got a very nice arrary of suits so I can still look smart and professional and ultimately, what you see is then what you get.

And anyway, it’s a haircut that makes me happy. Like my happy shoes, it makes me smile and its nice to have things like that in my life. Things that just make me smile when I think of them, like my special friend, my sometimes chaotic house and my adorable puppy.

Have you seen my puppy? Here is a picture of my puppy. All snuggled up and being adorable with her baby sister.

2007-08-24T09:46:00.000Z

Its Friday, which of course means its casual jeans day. Although given that I am in my last few days working here everyday is jeans day! I haven't got another job yet but I am interviewing and feel remarkably unstressed about my impending potential unemployment.

Puppy Dog Alpha is still adorable. That's not her actual name btw (its Freya), but that's what boy sprog no 1 calls her and it does seem to have stuck. Ex wife's GSD has an alternative name from him too, I think it has the words Elite and Kappa somewhere in it but its much longer, much harder to recall and most importantly not MY puppy's name therefore how can I possibly be expected to remember it.

I'm sure there's lots more to report but today I'm going to have a little bit of a rant.

Recently I had to make a trip up to Newcastle for work, I haven't been back to that neck of the woods since I left 30something, not because I vowed never to go back but simply because I haven't had an opportunity to and to be honest I was looking forward to it. Until about 15 minutes after I got there.

Because the hotel was in the centre of town next to two gay bars (the 'gay' area) the cab driver decided to comment on it or more accurately warn me and the colleague I travelled with about the bars. This warning was repeated in a jokey manner more than once while I was there, obviously, as up north it does seem that being a 'gay' is rather a big deal. From my own experience I know for a fact that for a few days I, or rather my sexuality, was the biggest piece of gossip in local authority I used to work for once I'd come out.

Obviously I came back to London with my opinion that the people of the north are thick and bigoted intact.

And yes, before anyone shouts at me, I know that it doesn't apply to everyone, and I know that people in the south are bigoted too etc. etc. And I do have some fond memories and some good friends from the north. But for whatever reason my experiences thre were radically different from the ones I have now I am home.

I do know that when I lived in Stockton I didn't challenge people nearly as much as I should have. Maybe because no one else did, maybe because I was in a minority, maybe because its just not the done thing…

But the little bits I did do raised an eyebrow. 30somethings sisters used to liken me to Mili-Tant from the Viz (the hard line lesbian who hated all men) but as I used to try and explain thinking that the BNP are actually a right bunch of nasty bastards and being shocked at their prevalence in the North, or objecting to someone at work referring to me as a 'lezza' or asking me "which one's the man then?" or being horrified and objecting to someone referring to someone from Pakistan as the racist diminutive of the country name doesn't actually make me militant. It makes me normal.

I do think its different in London, I know its different in London. I know that in the jobs I've had since I was back no one has so much as raised an eyebrow about my sexuality apart from one colleague here and once I'd relayed the comment he made to other colleagues I was quite surprised to see the shock from all of them that I'd had to hear that. It was a heartening thing to find that no one, but no one thought it was ok. That's the thing I have been struggling with since my trip to Newcastle. The fact that people think its ok to make to those kind of comments. Wherever they may live. Because its not ok, not as a joke, not as an observation. Its just simply not ok.

I've beent thinking about this a lot over the past few days. Its something I think about anyway but recently I found out that a large number of the gay men interned in the Nazi Concentration Camps as a result of Paragraph 175 (a law criminalising homosexuality) weren't actually freed but instead forced to continue their sentence after the liberation of the camps under the new Allied Germany. And after the war gay concentration camp victims weren't even acknowledged as vicitims of Nazi persecution.

Read more here...

And I don't know about you but I was completely fucking horrified to find this out and I was horrified to find out it isn't particularly public knowledge.

Of course there are people who might think its not relevant today and why should we care. The events of the 40s are long gone and time changes everything. We're legal now, we can get spliced but that change has been effected by revolution and challenge and by fighting back. From Stonewall and before to now, those who would oppress have a less powerful grip because people said it wasn't ok. Challenging ideas, challenging misconceptions.

Its not as simple as that of course and its not solely contained to the gay community because we should all challenge opression and bigotry in any form. Still.

As for myself, this recent discovery and the unease its made me feel has been a useful reminder that I need to use my voice to challenge where I can because change is an ongoing process and it takes work. And its not over yet.

I want you to feel as outraged as I did. I want you to feel shaken from your complacency and I want you to remember that next time someone makes a comment that is offensive and not just sit there and think 'they don't mean anything'.

Because yes, actually, they do.

2007-08-03T09:53:00.000Z

There's nothing quite like an obviously tired and snippy casualty nurse at 4am saying "well, either you straighten it or I will" to make you go through the pain barrier.

When I broke my leg it didn't hurt so much, breaking my elbow was like being repeatedly hit on my funny bone with a hammer propelled by the kind of venom only a vengeful ex lover can muster. Especially when I tried to straighten it. After several hours of sitting on the sofa whimpering I decided to visit casualty as it clearly wasn't a sprain and the pain was making me want to vomit.

They put me in a half plaster cast for the first 10 days which rubbed and left my arm covered in sores, then they put me in a collar and cuff which on the one hand was a relief as I hated hated hated being in plaster but on the other hand meant my poor arm was unprotected from the rush hour crowds and their unbelievable lack of spacial awareness. I'd never realised just how many people smack into me on a daily basis until the act of them doing so made my eyes bleed. I got to know the local buses and just how hard it was to get dressed with only one arm. I stopped wearing such baggy combats/jeans with heavy belts as without two arms it took at least five attempts to pull them up and keep them up every time I went to the loo or got dressed. For some reason this was so amusing to other people.

Thankfully I had a lot of support, especially at fracture clinic visits although ex wife obviously had much more fun at them then I did. I'm not sure if it was necessary for her to tell everyone I'd broken it roller blading "at *shouting* HER AGE" but then again I'm not sure it was necessary for her to announce once to an assortment of people in a chemists "...what's that for then Wend… oh its for *shouting* ORAL THRUSH.. How did you get *shouting* ORAL THRUSH then.. "

Anyway, its been a few weeks now and apart from a bit of weakness which generally manifests itself when I need to embark on some housework type task, I'm doing ok. The kind of break I had means that my elbow might never be quite as strong again but *shrug* never mind. And I know now that funky combats with all manner of rivets and zips etc may well look nice but on a practical level those rivets will leave all manner of scars if you land on them. Especially the ones decorating the arse area which to my relief I'm told is now no longer black and blue.

After the whole debarcle I decided to give up on the idea of roller blading to the relief of everyone around me. When I was a spotty little sprog as previously mentioned I was a whizz (I was) on quads but on the rare attempts I went ice-skating I would generally find myself face down and praying no one would skate over my outstretched arms before I had a chance to get back up. So obviously the concept of moving on a single blade isn't the right one for me as I need the stability of wheels on four corners.

So yesterday I took delivery of a lovely new pair of quad skates. Lovely, shiny, old skool rollers. Front and rear brakes, sturdy boots, and hopefully enough stability to ensure that I don't end up falling at quite the speed or force I did last time.

Those around me who dealt with the fall out last time are all rolling their eyes and suggesting that perhaps a fast car or unsuitable affair might be a better way to express my obvious mid life crisis but as I keep pointing out, I only ever drive as fast as the speed limit and I've had enough unsuitable affairs to last me a lifetime. So skating it is. I did a small circuit of my bedroom last night (the benefits of a wooden floor) while holding onto the edge of the bed at all times and it went well. I figure a few more weeks of that and I might be ready for the outside world.

The puplet keeps being adorable. I have turned into one of those boring parents who whips out a picture of their pride and joy at every opportunity.

So here is a picture of her. Being adorable.

2007-07-27T09:09:00.001Z

... not much has changed really in the last few months…

We currently have a sofa in the garden which I guess makes a change from the ubiquitous washing machine that we always seem to have, different ones every couple of months I should add *shrug* I think its about time we stopped believing assorted family members when they say "ooo, I've got a brilliant washing machine you can have to replace the one you've got that only works on one cycle". What they actually mean is "I've bought a new washing machine and I can't be bothered to get the council to come and get the old slightly knackered one, so I'll give it to you and after a week when you realise its poo you'll have to get rid of it".

I have a new puppy. In fact, she's so tiny (14 weeks) she's more of a puplet than a puppy. She is also very vocal and demanding and after all those months of telling OMG and ex wife that they just needed to show the dog and doglet who is boss I find myself scampering around after the puplet responding to every little whine and bark. Its been the most exhausting few weeks of my life but I have discovered that if I ignore her she stops. If only I'd thought of that earlier….
The doglet is now a big strapping dog. Or rather as strapping as a Cavvy can be and still comes over every week for a playdate with ex wife's dog which consists of them running up and down the garden and lobbing themselves into the bushes/plants/barbecue/aviary.

The aviary still has two bad tempered cockatiels which we now think are female as according to boy sprog no 2 "as everyone knows, females have very dull colours and are quite ugly". And he wonders why he's still single. There are also three guinea pigs and a new tiny baby rabbit occupying the bottom of the aviary.
Ex wife also has a new puppy. While mine is a teeny lickle Blenheim Cavvy, hers is a great big lumbering 12 week old German Shepherd which is already bigger than the doglet and is fast catching up on the dog. She's the clumsiest dog I've ever known and spends most of her time trying running about trying to catch the dog and doglet when they are chasing each other while simultaneously demolishing everything in her path (people, animals, garden furniture etc).

Obviously we are both very competitive regarding our respective dogs and whilst hers may be less demanding, more easy going etc, at least mine can manage to jump on the sofa without missing it and hitting the wall.

I'm still working at the same place although I'm stagnating a bit so a job hunt is currently under way…

There is someone in my life. That was a part of the reason I stopped blogging and a big part of the reason I haven't been back and I'm still not sure if I can have both an online and an offline life..

Anyway, without meaning to be too wanky its been a nice time of self-discovery and I've learnt a lot about myself.

One of the things I have learnt is that just because I was a shit hot roller skater in my teens and regularly played roller hockey this does not mean I will just be able to pop on a pair of roller blades and have the same ability.

Another of the things I have learnt is that people are very sympathetic when they see you have a broken arm up until you tell them you did it roller blading... as then, without exception, they will laugh and point and accuse you of having a mid life crisis.

...

2007-07-18T13:27:00.000Z

Outside my window the rain has been falling and the wind has been blowing and there have been adventures to be had… and indeed I have been.

Having real live adventures. With real people.

I've had advice asked given and things shared …I've heard the intonation of a voice, the look in someone's eyes, the breadth and warmth of a smile… all things that got lost over the internet… and yet all essential in some ways to real understanding and real feeling. Really real feeling.

All the things I had been missing. Its not always easy but I think it suits me. Sometimes I need to be more grounded and for whatever reason for me that means not having an online life. Sometimes I think about maybe blogging to say hi, but then something happens, or my life becomes bigger in some way and the thought leaves me.

Having said all of that it doesn’t mean that I don't sometimes check in on how the rest of you are doing and catch up on your blogs.

Occasionally I sit with my new puppy on my lap wandering about my old virtual haunts catching up on old friends while trying to explain that no, mummy's mouse isn't for chewing and that Bad Cat will eventually get over your presence in the house and stop sulking and while ex-wife's new puppy might well be bigger than you she's not nearly as clever as she is a dopy GSD and you my tiny little princess are a very clever spaniel…. Etc. etc.

Yep, we've found something new to be competitive about.

Anyway today I thought I'd stop by, not because I am returning to blogging but simply to wave and say hello.

Hello *waving*

2007-02-02T09:59:00.001Z

There you go.. me..

Reality bites..

2007-02-02T09:56:00.001Z

When me and ex wife were in the process of splitting up I, with my assortment of hang ups, issues and general sadness, came quite accidentally across a website about the relationship between Kim and Kerry in ER. The website contained all manner of links including one to a message board and forum about the show. In reality it turned out to be a message board about all manner of things. Life, love, pain, joy. All were represented in there, in the posts themselves, in the banter and flirting between the board members and in the parts of themselves that people brought to the forum. The parts of themselves they scattered across the ether, often in the hope that they would connect somewhere with someone.

I went there and found as time went on that people thought I was funny. They seemed to like me, the things I said, the way I made them laugh and for a while my online life overtook my real one. Because in my online life I was funny and pretty and clever and wanted. Pretty much all the things that I didn't feel in my *air quotes* real life.

The friendships I made seemed every bit as real as the friendships I had in my real life and as for the love that, the first time anyway, came out of the blue. Well, that felt real too. It wasn't of course. You can't love someone on paper because its not real. Those emails and phone calls are a tiny representation of who that person is and the bits you don't know you make up to fit. Filling all that white space with the other boxes you think that person will tick, loving, kind, patient, creative etc. etc.

I've met some great people online and I've met some right arseholes too and the one thing I have learnt is that nothing and no one is ever what they seem. I've lost count of the people who profess to be girly when in reality they would not look out of place on an oil rig because they don't get it: having long hair doesn't make you girly and what's the big deal about being girly anyway. I know people who only send out photos of themselves from years before when they were thin when the reality is that they are far from it.

And they are all missing the point because the only thing that really matters is that regardless of whether you are butch, femme, fat, thin or somewhere in-between, just be yourself. Because ultimately that's all you really have anyway. Everything else is just window dressing. And I don't exclude myself from that, in some ways I present as other than I am too.

Maybe its because the online world isn't really real. I mean, I know it can feel real but it isn't really. And I feel like I've been inhabiting it for far too long and its been too important to me for too long. Petty disagreements and arguments over stupid things with people I don't even know in the past have really upset me. And why? Its not like I know these people or in lots of cases even want to know these people.

The disagreements with the people I do know have bothered me too. Randoms interpretation of the breakdown of our friendship, the odd thing that 30something has said. Silly things that have no business even being on my radar in the real world because they're not important and they don't matter. And the fact that my readership is mostly people I either don't know or people I do know but don't talk to any more means that I've started self editing again.

An edited version of myself.

Over the past six years apart from the odd break I've either blogged or posted or interacted in some way with people on the www. I've put myself out here, I've processed and I've shared and in lots of ways its been very good for me. But equally in other ways it hasn't because I've been treating this world as if it were just as real as the one I do live in. And it isn't. It isn't nearly as important. And that's been quite the realisation for me because over the years I have treated the online world as something that has been saving me in some ways. Making me feel less alone. Helping me to reach out.

But something happened to me recently. More than one thing actually.

And these things have made me realise that nothing, nothing, nothing is as important as the people around me. The ones I can see and speak to and hold. They are the ones that have really saved me if indeed I needed saving in the first place.

So I'm signing off. The times I've left before its been to post in my other anonymous blog somewhere else. But this time there's no other blog, no need for anonymity. This time I'm going because I want to be done with this edited life. I want to live a real one, with real joy, real connections, even real pain but more than anything else, real people.

So in the spirit of my new real non anonymous life, as a parting gift (some of you may dispute the use of that word) here's a pic of me. Unedited, not more than 12 months old and apart from my hair being currently redish, its pretty accurate to who I am.

Thanks for reading about my life.

Wend

Do the right thing...

2007-01-26T09:20:00.000Z

I will be back at some point soon but in the meantime.. Loyal readers please go here... do a good thing today...

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/kellyweu/

Not strictly in keeping but...

2007-01-17T09:35:00.000Z

Top 5 moments so far of The L Word Season 4...

Shane swimming in... [censored as spoiler]

Helena learning about... [censored as spolier]

Joyce, Bette and Tina discussing... [censored as spolier]

Alice in the limousine getting... [censored as spolier]

The return of... [censored as spolier]

Ah.. Happy days..

Love and other dilemmas..

2007-01-16T13:29:00.001Z

Now don't be getting the wrong idea, I've not got myself loved up or anything.. I've got resolutions to keep to, remember?

I got asked at the weekend by one of my mates if I had the choice of a 10 year true love type relationship or three good, close, trusted lifelong friends... which would I choose.

The terms of the decision were that yes, it was an either or deal and no, my one true love couldn't last my whole life.

I guess its a question of sacrifice and priority but its made my little brain confused as I can't seem to choose either way. Do I go for the one true love and yet know when its over (as these things inevitably do end) that I'll be on my own? Or do I go for the true friendship and the closeness and the fun and yet not know all the head spinning and heart pounding etc. that goes with have a lover that you truly do love.

Anyway, its been three days now and I still can't choose either way, not that its really relevant to me as I'm not likely to be in a situation where I have to make that choice.

After all, I've not got that many friends left, due to the shagging of them and all...

No, not really. I guess its because I've known love and I've known friendship and I know that its much harder living without your friends but on the other hand...

Hmmmm.. *thinky noise*

I wish people would give me easy dilemmas to think about, Gillian Anderson or Lawrie Brett, pasta or rice, Easties or Corrie, that kind of thing.

I tell what I want, what I really really want...

2007-01-15T10:06:00.000Z

This morning I was going to rave about Mika’s track Grace Kelly but due to the new charts including pre release download sales I don’t need to as he’s in at no 3.

I had a reasonably eventful weekend, Friday night as mentioned I went out to dinner with my bud and had a good gossip and catch up. We didn’t make it as far as IKEA in the end as we were having too much fun eating but we’re definitely, probably, maybe gonna go at some point this week. Saturday I went for a late breakfast with another mate and then we spent the afternoon hanging out and chatting, Saturday night I went out with my bud as usual and then yesterday I did a ton of work, went food shopping and then watched tv.

Thankfully my evenings aren’t shaping up to be that busy this week so I can get recover from all that activity and motion. Wednesday I am out with OMG and going to group but other than that quite sedentary. Ex wife did win a 3ft fishtank on Ebay yesterday which will need collecting from somewhere in East London which I am on standby for but as its for my gerbil and its only costing a fiver then its only fair that I actually go and get it.

Bad Cat has spent most of the weekend in my room alternatively sleeping and meowing at me to do stuff i.e. get up, give me a cat treat, stop snoring, let me out, let me in, get me fresh water, get me more food etc. etc.

On Saturday night after getting back from my bud I sat up chatting with ex wife and made the fatal mistake of attempting to have a conversation with her when tired.

I had meant challenge her on her assertion that Bad Cat and indeed all cats are stupid but the conversation went horribly wrong as instead of saying “you only think he’s stupid because he’s a cat”, it went as follows:

Me: You think he’s a cat
*pause*
Ex wife: well, what do you think he is then?
Me: I didn’t mean that, I meant…
Ex wife: You think he’s Emma Bunton don’t you, that’s why you have him in your room at night…
Me: I didn’t say..
Ex wife: Perv!

I should put this in context by pointing out that on Saturday morning I made everyone watch a bit of one of the music channels as it had an Emma Bunton retrospective and I’m a big fan of hers. After 25 minutes of her videos and her chatting ex wife was actually banging her head off the living room wall and saying how she wanted to die and she was sure there was something in the Geneva convention about torture.

So I am now copping it for my Emma Bunton liking and it didn’t get much better yesterday as ex wife has now taken to calling BC Emma which he’s not impressed by and yesterday she suggested that I get on to the vet and enquire about gender reassignment “of course, he’ll need his bits done and some hormones and some facial feminisation… how many female cats have you seen with a chin like his eh?” etc. etc. etc. and etc. etc. etc.

She’s on a roll now and has decided that Emma is a bit of a leap name wise and we need something a bit more apt.. given that he’s called Bad Cat as he is notoriously temperamental and sometimes vicious, after nixing Bunton, Emma and a number of other Spice Girls related terms she is now referring to him by his new name…

Baby Spite.

Say hello, wave goodbye..

2007-01-12T10:28:00.000Z

Its Friday. I love Fridays.

I love the whole dress down wearing jeans thing and I love the fact that it’s the end of the working week and I have two whole days ahead of me to chill out.

Which is a great theory but I have so many things to do this weekend that I will be lucky to have any time whatsoever to do anything other than sleep. I'm doing lots of social things tomorrow, meeting up with various friends etc which I am really looking forward to despite it being a busy day. Then Sunday I need to catch up on some more work for my bro and do all sorts of maintenance things on my laptop.

Tonight I am going out for dinner with my bud and then we're going to go Ikea and hopefully sort out some sofa's for her and some candley stuff from the marketplace for me. We're planning to go to a restaurant we've been to plenty of times before, in fact its not so much a restaurant as a posh café type thing, but the food is great and like the Lonestar, there's lots of memories and anecdotes and you know how much I like that.

In other news it's my last day in my current job. Not that anyone will actually notice as next week I shall be back, sitting at the same desk, doing the same thing but for another department.

Next week I am supposed to be decamping to north west London for a few days but as luck would have it my new boss is going to be based centrally for some of it so I only have to make the long trek out of civilisation on Thursday. I'm hoping that I'll have more weeks like that but at the moment I'm taking it a day at a time. I have briefly spoken to my new boss and he seems a nice guy but I must confess I am sad to be leaving my current one. Even after everything I've said about him.

We appear to have bonded in as much as he tells me he has no idea why everyone seems to think I'm a good catch work wise and I tell him he's the worst boss I've ever had. Yesterday it was pointed out by another colleague that he was very quiet and I told her that he was working through the grief of losing me to which set of some kind of grief driven laughing fit from him.

Yesterday afternoon though he did in all seriousness say thanks to me for everything I'd done and told me how much he'd appreciated what I'd done and how I'd done it. It was quite a special moment for us both, after all these months of silence punctuated by the odd comment and then finally us moving to a banter type situation, it appeared that we were having a genuine touching moment of gratitude tinged with sadness that I was leaving him.

I looked at him and his serious face and knew that it was time for the playful insults to stop and for me to acknowledge his honest feelings.

Me: "that really hurt didn't it?"
Him: "oh god… you have no idea"

Edited as I have the memory of a small insect, as Creepy kindly pointed out ;-)

2007-01-11T10:51:00.000Z

Aww… Yvonne De Carlo is dead…

She may well be the reason I'm a lesbian as I spent many happy times watching the Munsters as a child so its very sad news.

*few seconds silence*

Anyway, I went to goup last night and it’s the first time I've been since before Xmas so it was nice to see everyone and catch up and there was also a plethora of new members which is always exicting. I was, as always, hilarious and entertaining with my well timed comically intelligent and astute observations. And oral sex innuendo's. We didn't have a topic as such so it was a little disjointed to start with so we just talked about the usual stuff that a lesbian disussion group always gravitate towards; coming out, January sales and are women in uniform a turn on or turn off? - discuss. Apparently there were only two of us in the whole group who would get their fruity on for a firewoman.

Which means one of two things; a) the rest of the group are clearly more evolved and less base than the two of us, in as much as they can see past a womans external appearance and appreciate her as a whole person and not be swayed by her capable and heroic presence as represented by the Fire Service uniform or b) they are liars.

They are liars btw, just in case you were wondering. These are the same woman who all started giggling and playing with their hair when the two policewomen came into group just before Xmas to ask about an unlocked car outside.

Anyway, we all decamped to the pub after as usual and sat about catching up. I was taken aback at the number of people who, during the obligatory New Years Resolutions conversation, asked me if I'd managed to break no 3 yet. I am beginning to think I have got a reputation but I confidently and smugly answered no.

More than one person said that they didn't think they could commit to a whole year of celebacy and I pointed out that I wasn't as there was a fine print addendum to that resolution. Namely that I am giving up on casual sex but if the perfect woman came along then I might rethink things. And of course I had some free passes as well as there are a couple of people who, if they became suddenly available and by some miracle interested in me, would be invited to take a wander round my joy department on an ongoing basis.

I'm sure you all know the concept of the free pass. Its when you're in a relationship and you commit to being monogamous unless for instance Angelina Jolie came along. Your partner agrees and in turn identifies her own free pass thereby giving both of you the comforting knowledge that committing to each other does not mean ruling out the true love of your life aka your free pass.

There are rules of course, the free pass in question must be famous and unkown to you, therefore ensuring that the chances of you actually getting the opportunity to sleep with them is practically impossible. Apparently your ex girlfriend CANNOT be your free pass and there are no exceptions to this rule so DO NOT even suggest it, not even as a joke.

Your current girlfriend will not find this funny and its quite remarkable how much a rolled up copy of Heat can hurt when utilised with the a combination of velocity and anger.

Long day..

2007-01-10T18:16:00.000Z

.. I've been galivanting about again so a brief blog today.

In reponse to an email request I can't blog my top 5 sexual experiences of 2006 as everyone I've slept with (in 2006 that is) has at some point been here (darn me being so open) and so I could get in a lot of trouble.

In truth the only top 5 sexual experiences that I could post I've been alone for..

*thinks* hmmmm... But oh my.. what experiences they were..

Top 5...

2007-01-09T10:48:00.000Z

I realised that my review of 2006 was a little rushed, in truth because I was trying not to get too deep 'n' meaningful but there was lots of other things I missed out.

So all through January I will be bringing you my top 5's of 2006. I know I've just made that sound a lot more exciting than it probably will turn out to be but no matter… anticipation and all that.

Anyway, my first top 5:

Top 5 songs of 2006.

No surprise at no1... kinda gave this one away earlier..

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own. I like Amy Winehouse. I mean, I know she's a bit of a shambles and gobby etc but I think she has an extraordinary talent. I thought Frank was great but her new stuff is amazing and this song has had me dancing round my room for the past month.

I loved all those sixties girl bands, I loved the songs, the melodies and the stories they told and to have the genre reborn in a new release is a brilliant thing. Amy, you've joined the likes of Dusty, the Chiffons, Supremes, Teardrops, Crystals and Ronettes etc in my homage to the 60s mp3 playlist. You are only the second 'modern' artist to make it thus far with me.

Yes, its true, you now sit alongside Emma Bunton ('Maybe' was a classic sixties throwback song). Be proud.

Esthero - I Drive Alone. This was the song that was the backdrop for Shane and Cherie's little poolside romp in Season 3 of the L Word and it took weeks for me to find it. It struck a real chord with me as it’s a song about finding your way home and at that time I was trying to do that. We all know how that one ended and I do remember driving me and my stuff back to London on my own and thinking there was an aptness about the song.

There is much to be said for driving alone, the fact that you can go where you want, how you want and pretty much do as you want. In my case this also means I can get lost how I want and where I want given that I have a reasonably appalling sense of direction. Its not just when I'm on my own either as most car journeys that I take involve some kind of unplanned detour mainly due to me not paying attention and missing a sign but I think it makes life interesting. An argument which usually doesn't work on my passenger.

I am a great believer that the image you project in such situations is key so I simply take lots of left and right turns confidently leading the other person to believe that it’s a planned diversion or shortcut. One day this ploy will actually work.

Scissor Sisters - I Don't Feel Like Dancing. Well I didn't until I heard this. I love the Scissor Sisters, I love that they are unique (although Mika who apparently is 2007's big thing is snapping at their camp, disco, energetic heels) and I love that they make me want to dance.

The irritating thing is that every time I hear it I'm not really in a position to dance.The first time I heard this I was rather drunk on vodka and for some reason everyone I spoke to appeared to be swaying and I was too busy trying to work out why to dance, the second time I heard it I did have a little boogie but I was on my own so it doesn’t really count. Mostly these days I hear it in shops or on my mp3 player on the tube and unless I want to have people stare more than usual dancing isn't really appropriate.

I am thinking of going out clubbing specifically to hear this as the irony of a song about not wanting to dance making me want to dance but not being able to is wearing thin and one of these days I will break and be found throwing some serious shapes in Cards Galore.

The Feeling - Never Be Lonely. Another clever and intelligent love song, kinda. Its more a love song to love really rather than any specific person. And actually its not even really a love song, more of a sequence of astute observations about the absurd nature of love. Anyway the point is that its quite an intelligent song and I like intelligent songs. I also like filthy songs with no basis of intelligence whatsoever but I digress..

I once had a long debate with some colleagues many years ago at the publishers I worked at regarding the most intelligent love song ever recorded. This debate was with the editorial department as I'd already had the debate about the filthiest love song ever recorded with the circulation manager. We all agreed it was Time and Tide by Basia (most well known for being Matt Bianco's backing singer but a brilliant singer in her own right). In retrospect I'm not sure why we all agreed that was the most intelligent love song ever but I suspect it had less to do with it being well written and well sung and more to do with it not being a mainstream hit and wanting to appear a bit more cutting edge than our clothing, personalities and jobs indicated. Frankly I'm glad that we settled on that song as years later it lends itself to a little more credibility than the runner up: Bangles - Eternal Flame.

I remember that debate well, I remember the Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers being dunked in tea as we all argued the case for our respective songs eloquently, I remember the defeated look in the eyes of the advocate of Glen Mederos's Nothings Going to Change My Love For You before we'd even started, I remember the sun shining in the window off the snow on the ground (as it was winter) and I remember my second love playing with my thigh under the table. I also remember the subsequent loss of attention which meant me casting an accidental vote for Kylie and Jason's Especially For You.

Despite my protestations of innocence, the stigma of that one never really went away.

Orson - No tomorrow. This was one of those songs that you can't help but love at first hearing. Unfortunately the rest of the album didn't quite live up to the promise of this but that's often the way.

For some reason it always seemed to be playing when I was on my way to my evening bar job up north which would always put me in a good mood. Not that I really needed to be put in a good mood as I did love that job. Almost no actual work involved for lots of money, now that's my kind of career! I had some happy times there; telling the spotty little teenagers to stop copping off in front of me, telling the punks to shut up and fuck off and them actually doing it, telling [un-named northern reality tv reject] to be a little less arrogant if he wanted to be served… ah..

There's nothing that feels quite as good as being assertive and there's no where else on the planet that you can be so assured of it being ok to be so.

People come to bars to buy alcohol, you give them alcohol, therefore they must be nice to you in order to complete the transaction as you, as the barperson, are between them and their alcohol. And for all their whining and moaning the customer knows it. Its like a little war that they cannot win and once you show them that you know it too you'd be surprised at how quickly most stroppy people back down.

Eventually I will work out how to use this technique in the rest of my life and then perfect happiness will beckon.

Well, maybe not perfect happiness as that would involve chocolate body paint and one of Liza Tarbuck, Gillian Anderson or Laurie Brett but you know what I mean.

Right, tomorrow its the top 5 2006 sexual experiences...

****

Nah, only joking...

Amy Winehouse

2007-01-09T08:46:00.000Z

I know she is a bit of a chaotic old soak but Tears Dry On Their Own from Back to Black is astonishing.. seriously... astonishing..

My weekend by WWDD aged ???!!??

2007-01-08T10:00:00.000Z

I had all these grand plans to blog over the weekend but the sofa was so comfy… and I was so busy… Actually that last statement isn't true at all to be honest. But I did have a lovely weekend.

Friday night I spent mostly on the phone equally catching up and talking about nothing with a mate. It was actually a really nice way to spend the evening as it was just like hanging out with her albeit by phone.

Saturday I got up and the back problems that have been plaguing me for the past few months seemed to peak so I pretty much sat on the sofa in my pj's for most of the day trying not to move too much. Ex wife went out for the afternoon to go clothes shopping so me and the little sprog sat about chilling and having a nice afternoon.

After a nice long hot bath which made a world of difference I went out with my bud and again had a really nice time. I haven't seen her since Xmas day so it was good to have a catch up.

Yesterday was a little more active as I got up, had a quick coffee and then instead of firmly rooting myself to the sofa I got showered and dressed and went food shopping with ex wife. Then after lunch me, her and the little sprog went to see Night At The Museum which I can heartily recommend. It’s a brilliant film. From the effects to the script references to other films (the Brokeback Mountain one made me spit popcorn out into the fortunately empty seat in front) it ranks for me as the best film I've seen since the Incredibles.

So go see it if you haven't already.

If you want to, that is.

Anyway, I got to work this morning at 8.15 which is another one of my resolutions… to get up earlier in the morning. I could put it down to my new healthy routine of early nights and vitamin supplements but I was kept up until late by boy sprog no2's bellowing voice which I shall be discussing with him tonight, at length.

The truth is that I've got Bad Cat sleeping in with me again.

I decided to forget the whole biting thing he was doing before and given that he's so jumpy and anxious at the moment due to the kitten scrapping with him at every opportunity I decided to turn my room into a safe space for him. So I put in a litter tray, food and water bowls and yesterday I bought him some toys and treats.

I know its blatant favouritism but the kitten gets attention and affection from everyone and at the moment is king of the hallway so I think its important that BC has a kitten free space he can call his own.

When I was giving him his toys yesterday he sat looking very bewildered indeed. Especially the little grey mouse like thing that scarily resembles the gerbil as he seemed very reluctant to play with it in case he got told off. He managed to master the treat giving toy (a mouse shaped thing that you roll around and it dispenses treats) in about 10 seconds and after three strong slaps from BC it had dispensed all its treats and was rolling about on the floor begging for mercy.

Anyway, for the past two nights he's been in with me and been as good as gold, he does still tend to run up and down me for 15 minutes before he goes to sleep and he's not keen on the concept of snooze given that as far as he's concerned, alarm means wake up and he is a much better alarm clock than the nice chilled out one I usually have that eases me into the day with a little bit of India Arie.

Having a cat sitting on your chest looking at you quizically while slapping your nose is a lot more effective.

The story so far..

2007-01-05T09:57:00.000Z

Oh lord.. The new year is 5 days old and I'm knackered already…

I am putting this down to not having fully recovered from my cold, being more or less constantly ill for the past two or three weeks and for having a bit of a stop/start break due to working over Xmas.
Ah well.. I'm sure within a coupla weeks I'll be feeling better as I begin to ease myself into the year and my new healthy(er) regime kicks in properly.

It wa ex wife's birthday yesterday and I gave myself all sorts of reminders that immediately went out of my head so I feebly just wished her happy birthday yeaterday morning instead of handing over shiny things. She just laughed and said she didn't care anyway but I popped out after work to see if I can get her something suitably shiny. I got a couple of small things I knew she'd like with the plan to get her some kind of top but in the end I just went to the Swarovski shop in Covent Garden and got her something actually shiny. Given that I know she loves loves loves Swarovski it turned out to be completely the right thing to get her.

Next year I am intending to actually get her presents early but I've been saying that for 10 years so…

Anyway, I've not got too many plans for the weekend. I've been tidying up my room etc and sorting it out so this weekend I'm planning to catch up on my bro's work and I'm also gonna see if I can master Open Workbench(http://www.openworkbench.org). It’s a free project management software which is comparable to Microsoft Project and has some extra stuff in it too apparently. I'm pretty good on Project anyway so I'm hoping to master this pretty quickly but it'll be useful for a couple of things I've got coming up shortly.

Other plans include stocking up on tobacco *taps nose with finger* and just generally tidying and sorting stuff in my corner of the world.

I'm trying to be less sedentary this year, although moving back to London has indeed ensured my lifestyle is more active, even if I'm only counting the walk to the tube and at the other end each day. Girl sprog no 2 and my bud both want to go play squash and my bud also wants us to go swimming together so in the next couple of weeks hopefully I'll have identified somewhere to do both things.

Of course I shall miss my lovely swimming instructor from up north but as in the case of missing foxy doc I'll just have to get over it.

Ex wife has also been quite active this year so far and has managed to re-arrange the house. Furniture, animals, ornaments etc are all being moved and its looking good I must say. Even the wood effect vinyl sofa is beginning to look as if it belongs in the house as it finally appears to be growing on everyone. The gerbil has been joined in the dog cage by the guinea pig and both of them are now secure from the cats and also they seem to be doing lots of bonding. I should point out that the gerbil is in his cage inside the dog cage and not just running about freely, but it’s a big cage so even with the gerbil cage at one end the guinea pig still has far more room to run about in than if he had a hutch, plus the two of them spend lots of time touching noses through the bars of the guinea pigs cage and they call out to each other. Valiant is the first gerbil I'vbe ever heard make a sound and its very cute when he does, between the two of them they are like a strange rodent choir.

Bad Cat (the bastard) is not impressed with this new arrangement. Not only can he not get to the gerbil but the guinea pig either ignores him or bites his paws if he attempts to pop them through the cage. Neither of which is the desired response in his case. He wants fear, big fear, preferably served up on a plate (I am assuming). So to have two animals that are smaller than him, traditionally prey to him, that are not remotely scared of him or bothered by him and that despite his best efforts he hasn't managed to kill yet is doing his little head in.

Plus the kitten has started duffing him up so all in all Bad Cat isn't having a good life at the moment. I have pointed out to him that the kitten's balls will shortly be nothing more than a memory and he, like Bad Cat did, will discover the joys of cuddles once he's done and the rodents are just out of bounds and he needs to come to terms with that. Ex wife did point out that she wasn't sure my face to face counselling methods would be effective as he is not a person, but a cat. I however like to think that from the tones and cadence in my voice he would be soothed by me reasssuring him as oppposed to simply hearing "blah bah blah blah gerbil blah blah blah bastard kitten blah blah blah CASTRATION blah blah".

Its day 5 of the new year and I haven't managed to break any of my resolutions as yet. Go me.

This life...

2007-01-03T10:30:00.000Z

We waited 10 years for that???

Excuse me for complaining but I had rather high hopes. All the previews and critics had said how brilliant it was and particularly how hilarious it was: "its hilarious", "a hilarious, wirtty script", "oh, how I laughed", "I laughed so much I was sick", "I laughed so much I actually died for 40 seconds" etc. etc.

Where was this hilarity? Did it all happen when I went for a wee after the first mind-numbinghly boring 40 minutes? I mean, I wasn't expecting Catherine Tate or Little Britain or anything as it is after all, a drama but...

I don't believe in resolutions...

2007-01-02T13:32:00.000Z

Well, that's not strictly true actually… so here they are...

1. Lose weight. Every year I make this resolution and every year I stick to it. I have indeed lost weight every single year since I was 20.

2. Don't put weight back on again. Hmmm.. This one I've never quite cracked.

3. Don't shag anyone. This is usually a retrospective resolution made in early December to make it seem that the sexual wasteland of the preceding 11 months has been deliberate, because there have actually been whole 12 month periods when I haven't once got down and dirty with anyone. I have worked out that the easiest way to achieve this is to be throwing myself desperately at anyone who comes my way which should ensure I don't get as much as a snog. For some reason being uninterested in having a relationship appears to just get me into trouble.

4. Go and see at least one show in the West End. I shall be taking Creepy… up on her offer to go and see a show. Every year I promise myself that I'll go to the West End and see something and apart from the year that I not only went to see Miss Saigon but also far more embarrassingly Grease (the one starring Sonia) I haven't. Perhaps the fact that I deliberately went to see Grease twice, simply because Sonia was in it and I had a crush at that time on her, was enough to put me off the West End forever. But the wounds of shame have now healed and I am reborn *claps hands together exitedly*.

5. Do something extraordinary. Not sure what yet, maybe a bunjee jump, maybe a parachute jump. But this year I am going to do something potentially life threatening. No more for me the chains of mediocrity. Mind you, with my current health levels, going for a jog could be seen as life threatening so therefore…

6. Get healthy (er). This year I am going to take up some kind of exercise. I have already started on a strenuous (for me) regime, involving movement and exertion several times a day. Yep, we've lost the tv remote so I have to get up and change channels manually.

So far that's it, I know its not a lot and its pretty much what I say every year but new year, new start etc. Or in the words of one of my campest and gayest male friends: "onward and upward".

Oh and...

2007-01-01T13:16:00.000Z

I finally dumped my rubbish dream girlfriend.. it was a bit touch
and go as it finally looked like I might be getting some action..

But new year, new start etc..